I Am Done With Nigerian Chauvinistic Males! It's 2012.

There I was going about my business... Let's back up a little, actually. Just a little background here. Granted that I have more time on my hands these days due to circumstances beyond my control. But I make the best of it. I do a lot of constructive things on Facebook, especially with the US general elections coming up--Obama 2012. I do a lot of things. I have a platform. And I get inbox messages daily about how much people enjoy my posts and love coming to my page. There are people who come to my page every evening after work to see what I posted for that day and digest it. Be it health, politics, religion, marriage, raising kids, pop culture, I do it all. And I appreciate you all. 

L-R: Dr. Lara Agbaje, nee Lawal; Dr. Mackay Ola;
Dr. Folake Taylor, nee Kolawole (me)

So, like I was saying, I was minding my own business when this photo of me and some friends from 18 years ago was posted on one of their pages. I was so young, barely an adult. We all looked great. I was excited. I tagged us girls in the photo and shared on my page. After all, that's what Facebook is about, generating conversation. Then comes a certain Mr. Olowu with his negativity:

1st comment: hmmm Mackay ladies man

2nd comment: Asewo Doctor

3rd comment:  Ujesha ashewo binu ori ke temi to mi ru now

I tried really hard to ignore it, after all, he wasn't directly talking about me. Mind you, asewo in Yoruba means prostitute or ho. So when you call a man that, you're calling him a male ho. After deliberating a little further, I decided that I was definitely offended. Here's the comment I left: 

My comment:  Meanwhile, Mr Olowu, have you considered that the male prostitute comment might be offensive to the females in the picture? It's degrading and uncalled for because it's not just a comment about Mackay, it's about us in the photo too. I am offended. We are fully clothed and doing nothing worthy of such a comment.

I don't know if he got to read my comment or not but he was promptly deleted by my friend and old colleague, Mackay, who posted the picture, the object of the comments. It makes me sad that even in 20 years, Mr. Olowu might still be the same. He probably has a wife at home, who has to live with that attitude and behavior. 

Dodo (Fried Plantain)
Courtesy of Heart-to-heart with Jumoke
on Facebook

Now, earlier in the evening, I'd seen a photo of a plate of dodo on Facebook, which I'd shared on my page and generated a lot of comments (see left). I'd also gone out and bought me some plantains from Kroger , which they kept calling ripe bananas, grrrrr. Lol. Anyway, I made a dish of the dodo, with beans and efo elegusi (greens with melon seed), hen and stew. I took photos with my iPhone and posted (see below), and it generated even more conversation about food and we generally had a fun time on my page. Then comes a certain somebody I grew up with. I'll skip his name because I see the comment is missing this morning, which shows me that he probably realized it was inappropriate later on last night and took it down. I will paraphrase what he said however: 

My dinner of dodo, efo elegusi,
beans, hen and stew

"You confuse me. Which one is it. This minute you are talking about Obama, the next minute, dodo, and the next, who knows? Why don't you face yourself, your family, your work? Are you alright?" 

Before I get mad about stuff or protest, I do step back and think about it. After all, the Bible says "Be angry and sin not." I try to make sure that by the time I address issues, I am completely in my right mind and civil, so I don't say things I will want to take back later, especially since it's in writing, on Facebook. So here was my initial response:

You're too funny. Is eating not part of family life? Did you not eat dinner today? Abeg, leave me o. :)

But I could not stop thinking about it. And by the time I woke up this morning, I knew I was going to address it, because these stereotypes, and biases against women, and the fact that we don't even realize it is rude and disrespectful to say these things, is a problem. I'm not sure if someone else on that thread 'checked' him about it or he 'checked' himself, but his comment went poof overnight. 

Hear ye, hear ye. Nigerian men, this is 2012. Wake up. If I can go to school, get a job and earn more money than many of you, I can have an opinion about politics and express it. And it doesn't take away from me being domesticated, or a real woman. I can still cook, clean, bathe my child, attend to my husband and be a great wife and mother. You may not understand or be able to fathom it because it doesn't work that way in your home, but be open to new things. We are no longer in the 19th century. Some women are the breadwinners in their home. We need to be respected and appreciated for it, not put down. 

Making history picketing for Health Care Reform,
the Affordable Care Act, in 2009

I am an activist. I will always be, to some degree, because I abhor injustice. I will continue to help people, entertain others, and just simply hang out with the rest. It's OK. In addition to being a wife and mother, I'm a doctor, I'm an author, a mentor, a blogger, and of course an activist. One does not get in the way of the other. I speak for those who do not have a voice. For more information about what I do, Please visit my page on Facebook and check out these photos.


Most importantly, Mr. Taylor is not complaining. He is very pleased with me, in fact. Tend to your own flower and let another tend to his. 

Blessings.

Folake. 

PS: Please leave a comment. If you don't want to sign in, just use the option that says name/url or be anonymous. You can still add your name in the comment box if you please. Tada. :)

Is Mr. Mom Alright with Mr. Mom?

Mr Mom! This issues came up in my recent interview with Traci on CTB radio while talking about gender roles and submission to husbands and such. My answer to whether I would have a problem with Mr. Mom was of course that I had no problem with Mr Mom. I do not have a personal experience of this to draw on and I don't know too many Mr Moms either. And let us not forget that keeping house especially when it involves one or two toddlers is a full time job on it's own. But from what we see around and in the media, it appears there are two issues that keep coming up in cases where it does not work:
1) If Mr. mom did not choose to be Mr. Mom and it was a role that was thrust on him because he lost his job and the wife had to become the sole bread winner.
2) Mr. Mom does not keep house well; Mr. Mom became Mr Mom without really thinking it through and realizing exactly what it involved. This is typically someone who has always worked and prefers to work. For example, in the case of Jon and Kate as we saw on TV, she got very busy with other things that involved travelling and he became Mr. Mom after having always worked. He was not typically the most domesticated person around with regard to cooking and cleaning etc.

The cases in which it does work however are these:
1) Mr Mom has always loved to cook, clean and keep the kids.
2) Mr. Mom chose to stay at home. It was not decided for him.
3) Mr. Mom has things he can do from home to keep him fulfilled either on a contract basis or otherwise. For example, in the case of Dean McDermot and Tori Spelling, when she was frequently on the road promoting her book and he was home with Liam, he would do Voice over jobs which he could often do from home.
4) Mr. Mom is not married to Mrs. Boss Lady!

It's amazing how in the case of the McDermots, it worked and in the case of the Gosselins, it didn't. It was a very similar scenario with the wives becoming authors and going on the road a lot. They both had reality TV shows running as well. A glaring difference however was the attitude of the two wives. Tori Spelling clearly respects her husband at all times and Kate Gosseling often disrespected Jon a lot even on TV and was in control of the household almost without his input at times. She was always barking commands at him and she seemed to make most of the decisions. So I think we will all agree that a bossy wife and Mr. Mom do not go together.

One of the common bones of contention according to men is that their wives start to lose respect for them when they become Mr. Mom. It's like they become less than a man. Frankly speaking, in a lot of cultures, a man that does pay the bills is not respected. That is not necessarily right but we see it. The women on the other hand complain that this lack of respect comes from the fact that they get home after a ten hour work day and they have to do a lot of the chores the man could have done while he was home all day. It feels like it did when they both worked except that the woman is now working twice as hard at work but still as hard at home! This came up on the Dr Phil show that I dedicated an earlier post to and one of the excuses was that men are not as good at keeping house and multi-tasking. Some women have decided the concept of Mr. Mom does not work for this reason.

There is also the case in which the Mr. Mom arrangement was supposed to be temporary while he looked for another job but somehow, he does not appear to actively looking anymore. He is always on the video game or social networking sites nowadays and they don't even have any kids so he really is not required to be home!

Another issues is the fact that many men do not feel accomplished if they are not working and making money as the bread-winner to care for their family. They feel like their manhood has been stripped from them in this situation. It may not be necessarily true but it is a very common attitude. This often leads to resentment not only of the situation but of their spouse and even depression eventually.

Some of the same scenarios spill over into situations where even though both parties work, there is such a disparity in their incomes with the woman having the capacity to and making sometimes multiples of what the husband makes. We will have to make this a separate discussion, I guess...

So while I personally do not think it is impossible to make a Mr. Mom situation work, the real question for me would be this: "Is Mr. Mom alright with Mr. Mom?

These are just little observations on my part. What do you think? Please share your views. Feel free to be anonymous if you will be able to express yourself better that way.

Have a blessed week.

Folake.

PS: Future discussions will be about wives submitting (or not) to husbands as well as the woman being the breadwinner...