Empowering You...

Sister, Let that Fool Go!

2011-05-26T08:03:00.001-04:00

Folk look at you and wonder what’s wrong with you
“Why she can’t keep a man?” they say behind your back
“Somethin’ wrooooong with her,” they say in a deep southern drawl
But you know what?
It’s those fools you keep going out with
Those fools you open your heart up to
The same fool in different forms
Over and over
That fool, who was beneath you on day one
That fool, who was still beneath you when you finally moved on
Why don’t we value ourselves, my sisters?
Why don’t we wait for a worthy man?
A man that will compliment us
A man that will bring out the best in us
A man who is NOT threatened by a strong (black) woman
Get tired of the abuse
Take control of who you choose

© 2011 Folake Taylor

God is Good all the Time...(Part 2)

2011-04-05T10:15:00.000-04:00

Silly me! In the post yesterday, I didn't talk about what made it so clear to me that truly, God does want us to be thankful all the time and he is indeed good all the time.

On Saturday morning, after that train wreck episode on Friday that I spoke about in my first post--God is Good all the Time...(Part 1)--I woke up to an apparently legitimate bill for $395 for something we wanted as a family. Needless to say, I was none too happy about it.

By some stroke of favor (not luck), by the afternoon when I had finally accepted we would either be paying the $395 or not getting that service, I suddenly got an email saying it would be done at NC, in other words, No Charge. Why? Because they wanted us to have it and be happy.

Wow! That's what I said. Now, nobody can tell me that was not a miracle. If I had spent the past day brooding about the loss of the $99 in spilled gas and could not find it in my heart to be thankful for God's protection, I doubt I would have received favor worth $395, putting me way ahead of where I would have been financially if the Friday episode had not occurred at all.

Another thing I almost did on Friday immediately after the gas spill when I momentarily wanted to ask God why was to remind God that I pay my tithe, like I'm doing him a favor or something! It's a very bad habit that I have and even though I never say it out loud, I start to think it each time before I shut it down. I owe God tithe regardless. I don't pay tithe to get favors from him. But I do know I am covered under his wings by following his commandments, including but not limited to paying tithe.

I thank God once again that what the devil meant for evil turned around and became a testimony, but I strongly believe it was only because I managed to get my attitude right. If I hadn't, I would have missed the blessing of the following day and not even have known it.

Let us be full of gratitude and thanks and appreciation of God for his awesomeness at all times.

BLESSINGS.

Folake.

(Singing "Our God is an awesome God, He reigns from heaven above, With wisdom power and love, Our God is an awesome God..." Thank you Michael W. Smith)

God is Good all the Time...(Part 1)

2011-04-04T11:16:00.001-04:00

...and all the time, God is good!

That is Ms Jordan's latest saying and I love to hear it. She initially used to say God is good sometimes however! But now she understands he is good all the time.

On Friday afternoon, I drove up to a gas station and started to pump gas. Then I got back in my truck and drove off, all the while with some troubling issues weighing heavily on my mind. About two minutes down the road, I noticed my gas tank was half full and not full and that's when it hit me that I never finished pumping. A quick check on my tank door revealed it was indeed open.

What to do? I turned around and headed back there, all the while expecting the worst because I was sure I had ripped the pump out or damaged my truck or something. When I got back there and surveyed the damaged, my truck was fine and the pump had finally stopped at $99, with most of that gas spilled on the floor of the gas station. The pump was still attached. I sighed with relief.

They were all so gracious and sweet and after making sure I was OK and back in my right mind, they let me go. Of course, I gave them my cell number.

And even as I started to question God about why, I immediately switched gears to thanking him instead for forestalling what could have been a disaster such as my truck or the station catching on fire or something huge that I am sure the devil planned. I did not have $99 to spare but it was a much lesser evil than what it could have spiralled to.

My dear people, there's always something to be thankful for and if you think you're alone, remember others are going through something too.

So once again I say, God is good all the time.

BLESSINGS.

Folake.

Book Review and Release: A Love Rekindled by Myne Whitman

2011-03-22T09:19:00.000-04:00

Pre-Publication Review of A Love Rekindled by Myne Whitman

If you liked A Heart to Mend, you’ll love A Love Rekindled.

Myne Whitman is on her A-game and her second novel definitely has the makings of a bestseller. She is an amazing storyteller with a fresh twist on her story plot each time, as evidenced by A Love Rekindled. Her growth as an author is also phenomenal.

The novel is not only a romance novel that affirms one’s belief in true love and that it truly does conquer all. It also proves that though external forces can cause a delay, they cannot kill love.

A Love Rekindled is very entertaining and written in a unique style where the flashbacks are as interesting and real as the present. There was no stone left unturned in this multi-faceted plot and intriguing storyline. I learnt a lot about our tribal wars in Nigeria and it was as much informative and real as it was pleasurable to read. Characters were well developed and multi-layered. They literally leapt off the pages of the book and drew me into their world, hearts and minds.

I look forward to her next novel and seeing Myne Whitman’s success unfold in this industry. The book comes highly recommended.

I give A Love Rekindled a 5 out of 5 stars.

About A Love Rekindled (Book Blurb)

Efe returns to Nigeria after years in the United States, dreaming of a happy, independent life. However, her nights become plagued by nightmares of Kevwe Mukoro, her ex-fiancé. Long hours at work and drinking in nightclubs only provide temporary relief, and when she encounters Kevwe's twin brother, she knows it's a matter of time before Kevwe is back in her life.
Sparks fly when they finally meet again, but desire is no match for bitter memories of heartbreak. All these years, Efe believed she was rejected; now Kevwe claims he'd never stopped loving her. Stuck at a crossroads, Kevwe prefers to look to the future, but Efe is not so sure. Can the traumatic events of the past be resolved, and will she give in to rekindled love?

About the author, Myne Whitman

Myne Whitman was born and raised in Enugu, Nigeria, where she spent most of her time, studying, reading and daydreaming, or climbing trees and playing with the boys. She has a Master's degree in Public Health Research but chose to go back to her childhood dream of spinning stories. Myne is living her own love story with her husband in Bellevue, Washington and volunteers as an ESL tutor for a local charity, writing and blogging the rest of the time. She critiques with the Seattle Eastside Writers Meet-up and is a member of the Pacific Northwest Writers Association.

A Love Rekindled is available on amazon.com in paperback as well as the Kindle format. The paperback is available for sale already but the official release date is April 3rd, 2011.

So there ya have it folks. Why not scoot on over to her blog and become a subscriber? While you're at it, you can follow my blog too. If nothing else, I have cool writer friends that I feature on this blog and sometimes, you can win something.

Check out this teaser on YouTube as well:

Well people, what are you waiting for? Get you a copy of A Love Rekindled. And if you haven't read A Heart to Mend, you might want to pick up a copy of that too.

Sheltered Gladys Eborah has spent most of her life in a suburb of Enugu brought up in a deprived single parent household after losing her father as a young girl. After finishing her education, she moves to Lagos to seek a job and moves in with an estranged aunt. New friendships and career achievements gradually transition Gladys into an independent young woman. Soon, she begins to fall for wealthy Edward Bestman who, though physically attracted to her, is emotionally unavailable. Edward is very wealthy, but he is haunted by the past of his illegitimate birth and other secrets he will not share.

A Heart to Mend was released in December of 2009 and you can find my review on amazon.com.

One other thing about Myne, she was selected for the first round of the ABNA (Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award) with her pitch for A Love Rekindled and we are cheering her on for the overall contest. Just one more reason why you should want to read anything written by this author.

Blessings!

Folake.

BLOG TOUR: We Ain't The Brontes by Rosalyn McMillan

2011-03-10T00:01:00.002-05:00

Exclusive Interview with Rosalyn McMillan
1) How did you come up with the idea for this book? I am intrigued already.
From the original Bronte sisters from the 1900's. There were three sisters who wrote literature and were very successful.
2) How long have you been writing?
Since January of 1992.
3) How long have you been a published author?
Since January of 1996
4) As a bestselling author, what's the secret to your success in the publishing industry?
A good work ethic. I work eight to ten hours a day, five and six days a week. I'm very consistent.
5) What advice would you give to new authors like myself?
Learn the mechanics of writing. Take creative writing and advanced creative writing classes. Finally, find a good agent who believes in you and your work.
6) As an MD, I couldn't help but admire you for finding your inner strength even through medical challenges that could break others. What is the source of your strength?
My children and grandchildren. I want to be an inspiration to them and a good role model.
7) What can we expect from Rosalyn McMillan in the near future in terms of more books?
An e-book. It's entitled Midnight Pawn. It's a series and will be out this month.
Thank you!

About the Book
The relationship between Charity Evans and her sister Lynzee Lavender brings new meaning to the term “sibling rivalry.” Lynzee writes science fiction, and her New York Times bestseller status gets her into A-list parties and fattens her bank account. She can’t stand the fact that Charity is a published author too, though she swears that Charity is nowhere near as good.

It seems like the publishing industry might agree, because Charity is having trouble getting her contract renewed. Is it possible that Lynzee has had her blacklisted? With her savings dwindling, Charity struggles to pay her bills, and the pressure is putting incredible strain on her marriage. Things only get worse when Lynzee drops a bomb: she reveals that Charity’s husband is the father of a child she gave up for adoption years ago.
Charity’s life goes into a tailspin as she struggles with the shocking news. Should she tell her husband about the child he never knew he had, or would that be more drama than their already fragile marriage can handle? Charity chooses to fight back against her sister in a very creative way, but the fallout from all this drama might leave plenty of casualties in its wake.
Bestselling author Rosalyn McMillan narrates the tale of two literary sisters that will make readers ask: How much of this is based on actual events?

Here is my amazon.com review of We Ain't The Brontes.

Purchase the Book Online at:
Amazon.com
BooksaMillion.com
BarnesandNoble.com

About the Author
Rosalyn McMillan is a dedicated wife and devoted mother of four, and grandmother of five, who is currently surviving both rheumatoid arthritis and Alopecia Totalis, a disease that causes bodily hair loss. Rosalyn worked as a sewing machine operator at Ford Motor Company for nineteen years before medically retiring. She used the challenges in her own life as inspiration to become a successful novelist. Rosalyn loves to research newsworthy stories and use them as sub-plots in her real-life novels.

Her first novel, Knowing, debuted as a highly successful initial achievement. Knowing sold over 70,000 hardcover copies and over 400,000 paperbacks. It was a national best-seller and charted admirably on many book lists.

Rosalyn then followed the success of her first book with One Better, then Blue Collar Blues, The Flip Side of Sin. This Side of Eternity was Rosalyn’s fifth novel; the plot centered around the sanitation workers strike in 1968.

Rosalyn remains a loyal student of her profession by reading two to three hundred books a year. She feels that it’s imperative for an author to keep abreast of the New York Times best-sellers as well as fresh voices of fiction.

Currently, she lives in Memphis, TN, with her husband, John, where they relax fishing in their stocked pond.

Some of her favorite authors are John Sanford, Alice Walker, Maya Angelou, John Grisham, Toni Morrison, Eric Jerome Dickey, Kimberla Lawson-Roby and Terry McMillan.

By the way, Terry McMillan does happen to be her sister. I found this biography quite interesting.

Visit the full blog tour and LIVE Radio schedule at http://bit.ly/WeAintTheBrontes

Want to invite Rosalyn McMillan to Your Book Club Meetings? Take a sneak peak at this book trailer for the fun you can have with author Rosalyn McMillan.

For More Information:
Visit the author online at http://www.rosalynmcmillan.com/
View the blog tour schedule at http://bit.ly/WeAintTheBrontes

Good Teachers versus Bad Teachers

2011-02-07T13:22:00.000-05:00

I'd like to start off by quoting (and paraphrasing) Michael Baisden from sometime last week. Quoting Dr. Jawanza Kunjufu, Mr. Baisden said, "Two consecutive bad teachers can ruin your child academically."

Boy! Can I tell some stories, especially about High School; Moremi High School Ife and St. Saviour's & St. Olave's in London.

I will leave out some names to protect the guilty! And if you know who they are, please keep their names out of your comments people. Thank you in advance. Not that I can remember all their names after more than twenty years anyway. Sad.

I had a certain Physics teacher who was an alright person but a bad teacher. Let me just add that I would be a bad teacher myself if I'd gone into teaching, and so I didn't. Moving right along. Anyway, this person made me lose interest in Physics, be it in the classroom or in the lab where it was supposed to be fun. Back then, we would go home for a quick lunch after regular school hours and then head out to evening lessons on the O.A.U campus. At some point, we realized we would be getting this same person as our Physics tutor at our evening lessons. We all started to mumble amongst ourselves, we were unhappy and somehow, we voiced it out to Mr. Osuji, the organizer. Y'all have to realize I have always been vocal, and I have never been scared to tell the truth, even at fourteen or so years old. Being the simple honest man that Mr. Osuji was, he told her exactly why he would not hire her, the students didn't want her.

This lady now went ahead and called a meeting with all of us and wanted to know why we tried to sabotage her. I can't remember how it all panned out at this point but I know she had her eyes all glassy and she was close to tears. And I did feel bad. But my point was this: if you made me hate it in school, and then you teach it to me after hours, I am doomed with Physics, for life. Till this day, I never did get to love Physics quite the same anymore. In University, I only studied for it the night before a test and that was it. Thankfully, I was not an engineering major and I somehow scaled through but I know I never did excel in Physics.

On the other hand, in the same year in high School, we had an amazing Geography teacher, Mrs. Ige. She made me go from a slight dislike of Geography to loving it. She was smart, she was tough, she was a no-nonsense person but whatever she did worked for me. And even though I didn't major in it, I will never forget her.

I also had a great Chemistry teacher and in this case, I looked forward to the classes, and especially the lab sessions. Whatever he did worked for me as well. And I remember.

My English teacher in London was a class act. Mrs Leach loved a well travelled young person, as she would call me. If there weren't so many people by that name in the UK, and if I could remember her first name, I would try to find her. I might just need to contact the school. Ding, dong! That whole year was a wonderful and different learning experience for me that I still cherish after a very long time.

This reminiscing cannot be complete until I remember Mrs. Adeniyi in Integrated Science when I was ten or eleven years old. That's like early Biology. She taught us reproductive health. She taught us many more things but that stuck. Really stuck. She was an amazing teacher and even now, she is my facebook friend. I might even tag her on this post! Her office used to be on the other side of that square that was our Assembly, in lieu of a hall. Thank you Pastor Mrs. Lakishokun-Adeniyi. She used her full name back then. Good times.

But four years after she had taught me, I found myself losing interest in Biology. This was the same year we were going to sit for our GCE/WASC, the equivalent of a High School Diploma here. It was not teacher related this time, it was me. Then looking at myself, and realizing I wanted to be a doctor and Biology would be the foundation for a future with a lot of Anatomy in it, I went and got myself a copy of a big book called Modern Biology, and read it from cover to cover as we used to say. From pali to pali. That changed my life. Here I was at age fifteen, taking control of my life and my future.

I didn't discuss it with anyone, nor did I discuss the episode with the Physics teacher with my parents. At some point in early life, they had given me the tools to be independent, to think for myself, to be confident and to voice out my opinion, and most importantly, to take charge of my own affairs. At some point. And it worked, even at age fifteen. Sometimes it worked so much that I didn't seek their help when I needed to!

I am thankful that one or more bad teachers did not affect my destiny, but how about those kids who had a bad teacher for the very thing that was their passion, the very thing they had a gift for? Instead of being guided correctly, maybe they had a teacher who made them turn their back on it instead. Try to imagine that.

As parents, we need to pay attention. Not all kids are take charge kids. I was, but I know everyone wasn't. And this is not to say I didn't have any bumps in the road but that is for another post. Or you can just catch up with my book, The Only Way is Up for a dose of some of the struggle!

May our kids not run into that teacher that antagonizes them in the very thing their destiny is connected to, and if they do, may the good Lord give them the fortitude to pass through it and come out in flying colors on the other side.

A bad teacher truly can change your life, and not in a good way.

Kudos to the good teachers. Our future is closely linked to who teaches us and what we are taught.

BLESSINGS.

PS: And don't y'all laugh about the state of my old school now as you can see in the pictures. We're going to fix it. Yes, we can. For those who have never been to Nigeria, we had the most amazing times in these places and did not see any ugliness; just love, education and lifelong friendships. Can I get an amen?

And as for St. Saviour's, we just lacked space. It's the UK after all.

Christianese?

2011-02-02T08:28:00.002-05:00

When we write Christian Fiction, are we writing about heaven? And if we’re not in heaven yet, are all our characters Christians? I am so tired of the so-called constraints of the genre. The main character cannot drink alcohol, or curse, or have sex before marriage. What world are you writing about? And what if the main character did all those things before they got saved? Must the book start only after they met Jesus? And surely, even if the main character was a clone of Jesus, all their friends and acquaintances couldn’t possibly be clones of Jesus too. I’m just saying. That’s not the real world. I have been told even words like "crap" as an exclamation are borderline and it's best to stay away from it.

While we must not overdo the negatives and we must make sure to paint the negatives as negatives and show a positive progression or have an underlying Christian message, can we not just write about how it is in real life, how people talk in real life, how people act in real life and for Pete’s sake how people live in real life?

As long as it’s not young adult fiction, surely, adults can keep it real? One would assume, but maybe not.

I am so tired of seeing the phrase, she called me anything but a child of God. Whenever was the last time someone said to you, “You are anything but a child of God” and you were offended by it in the same sense? I know we can’t dwell on the curse words and all but come on, can we be a little more innovative here? I have to say I have only seen that phrase used well in one book recently and because of how true to life the whole story was, it didn’t bother me the same. That would be Delilah by Ms Shelia Goss. Kudos!

And even if all our characters were Christians, do these people never falter? Do Christian brothers and sisters never have sex outside of marriage? Seriously? Do they never have an evil thought or do they never do something bad when nobody is looking?

Pre-marital sex can be explored in a secondary character but not in the main character. That’s a common one in those submission guidelines. I sigh every time I see that phrase. How do you truly connect with the people if your characters don’t sound anything like them or like anyone they know? While I am not advocating for full sex scenes, surely, in the history of this world, there has been a Christian sister who did things she was not supposed to do. Does anybody know one?

I am reading A Woman’s Secret by a friend of mine, Toyin Adon-Abel and I love that it is not all stiff and uptight because it is a Christian book. He slips in the Christian undertone even without you noticing. He gets around the issues of language with a few scattered explicit words in some parts and yet in other parts, some dashes (–) and dots (…). While I’m not quite sure about the dashes and dots, he definitely made progress on what I’ve seen commonly. It’s a great read with an unusual and thought provoking plot and anyone will enjoy it.

Thank God for the few authors who are keeping it real but every time I read the submission guidelines for traditional publishers, I have to ask myself how do I write what I want to write, make it as real as I want it to be but still get a book deal from one of them? It seems almost impossible. But I will forge ahead till I get where I want.

Most of what we have on the market now is still for a restricted audience is what I’m saying. Thankfully, it's not all. If only Christians can stomach reading your book, then have you really helped save a soul? Fine, you’re touching and inspiring Christians. But what is being written for the non-saved who just wants a good read? I’m not saying there are none of such. I’m just saying we need more.

I know I’m a newbie and I don’t know much yet but is it too much to ask that Christian books sound like real life? And while I know that style works perfectly for some, how about others, like me? Can some of us please, please, please not write in Christianese 100% of the time?

Where are my overcomers at? Let’s do this. Watch out for my next book, Anonymous Gift Giver, coming soon. I have not queried anyone yet but I’m getting there. I will not disappoint you!

PEACE.

Steppin’ Into the Good Life Blog Tour

2011-01-26T23:16:00.000-05:00

Steppin' Into the Good Life by Tia McCollors will be released on February 1st.

About the Book

Shelia Rushmore thought she’d be the last woman standing when it was time to fight for her man. Instead Ace, her boyfriend of two years, chose to reunite with his ex-wife, leaving Shelia emotionally devastated. It’s a year later when Sheila is convinced that sneaking into their wedding ceremony will put closure on the gaping hole in her heart.

But it’s on the back pew of the church where a new relationship begins for Shelia. She can’t explain the touch she received from God on that day, but she’s determined to be a better woman-a woman of faith. Since high school, Shelia has been chasing her definition of the good life – it’s left her with no home, no man, and no money. But now that’s she’s living life for God, things should get better, right? Shelia learns that living a faith-filled life isn’t always easy.

With faith, tough love, and some tough decisions, Shelia realizes that the life she’d been praying for she could have for herself is actually attainable. Being wrapped in God’s arms, she decided, was by far the safest place she’d ever been.
Purchase the Book Online at:

• Amazon.com

• BarnesandNoble.com

• BooksaMillion.com

• Christianbook.com

About the Author

TIA MCCOLLORS is a national bestselling author who secured her spot in the publishing industry with the release of her debut novel, Zora’s Cry. She received her B.A. in Journalism and Mass Communication from the University of North Carolina. After ten years as a public relations professional, Tia emerged as an inspirational speaker and author of faith-based novels. Her other titles include The Truth About Love and A Heart of Devotion. She continues to pen inspirational works and is currently writing a series of children’s early reader chapter books targeted towards girls, ages 7-9.

In addition to being a novelist, Tia is a motivational speaker and instructor for writing workshops. She is a member of the American Christian Fiction Writers organization, and serves as the vice president of Visions In Print. Tia was voted as the Breakout Author of the Year by the Open Book Awards of the African American Literary Awards Show.

Tia lives in the Atlanta, Georgia area with her husband and son. For more information, visit her online at http://www.tiamccollors.com/

Interview

How did you come up with the concept for this novel?

I think it was a natural “literary reaction.” After reading my previous book, The Last Woman Standing, some readers felt sorry for Sheila and others didn’t care for her at all. But regardless of how they felt, readers wanted to know what happened to Sheila Rushmore, the girlfriend of two years that was kicked [to] the curb. Well, she’s dusted herself off and trying to get back into life.
I guess the concept for both of these stories boils down to me asking the “What if?” question. I knew an associate who had a close relationship with her ex-spouse. I had a chance to see how they reacted and treated each other, and wondered if there was still an attraction for either. I couldn’t help but think that they would give each other a “second chance” if one of them was brave enough to express their feelings.

And so was birthed…The Last Woman Standing…and the Steppin’ Into The Good Life.

Do you write only Christian fiction?

Currently all of my books are fiction. I do have an idea for a devotional floating around in my head that would uplift and inspire women like me. By “women like me,” I mean those who are driven to live a purpose-filled life, and do so while taking care of children who pull out toys as soon as you’ve cleaned up, being a helpmate to your husband, and trying to think of something new to put on the table instead of recycling old recipes, etc. The list goes on!

How long have you been a published author?

My first novel, A Heart of Devotion, was released by Moody Publishers in January 2005. That was an awesome way to celebrate the new year!

When did you know you wanted to be a writer?

I think it originally started in seventh grade when I had an “advice column” in my school’s newspaper, called Tia Talks. When I entered high school, I decided to take “Newspaper” as one of my electives…and I was hooked. But even before that I used to enter every fiction writing competition that was school and county-wide. However, I never fathomed that my love for writing would lead to a career as a novelist. I’d planned on going into broadcast journalism…and writing the truth, and nothing but the truth! It wasn’t until I was included in a round of layoffs at a job in 1999 that God I truly began to search for my passion and purpose. I guess you could say God married my love for reading and my love for writing!

Any advice for other authors or aspiring authors?

Keep writing until the end, even if it’s not your best. In fact, your first draft WON’T be your best. But you can’t edit or revise blank pages.

For More Information
• Visit the author online at http://www.tiamccollors.com/
• View the blog tour schedule at http://bit.ly/SteppinIntotheGoodLife

The African Divide in America

2011-01-24T00:54:00.000-05:00

That was the topic of our panel discussion yesterday in which I had the honor of being a panelist. I didn't voice out even a tenth of what I wanted to say during the discussion, because I didn't want to cry and we would run out of time. But as I sat in church this morning, I let it all out. I cried.

Here's what I had to let out and let go of, so I can move forward: How long will I have to pay for my ancestors being among those who were left behind? It is not my fault and every single day in this country, I feel guilty about slavery. I can never come to terms with it. But I can't change slavery. I can only change what is going on now; help to fix the aftermath of slavery. As I assimilate and imbibe the beautiful things about the American culture, I would like to share those things about the Nigerian culture that I intend to teach to my child which have been lost through the years in the African American culture, those things I never want to forget. But nobody wants to listen to me. Maybe not nobody! But you get the drift. There aren't enough people who want to know.

I even wrote a book about it. And while some understood and loved it, others have called me prideful and arrogant, perceiving my confidence and pride in my heritage to be me looking down on African Americans. Some think that I am saying Nigeria is better than America and I have to remind them that Nigeria is a developing country and though there are several good things about Nigeria that you don't see on TV, they are missing the point.

We do have tribalism and religious divides in Nigeria. But we will come together in a heartbeat against any other group of people. The one thing nobody expects in a developed country is resistance from other black folk because it does not happen like that among blacks in Europe.

Yesterday, we all agreed that to fix the divide between African American and Africans, we would need to collaborate and unite more, we would need to educate our kids, African Americans would need to visit Africa more, we would need to show people in Africa the worst of America (for balance), we would all need to study each other's cultures more and be more tolerant of our differences. Most of all, if we concentrate more on the ways we are alike than the ways we are different, the world would be a much better place.

One of the statements I found to be the most profound yesterday was when John McQueen mentioned that what changed his life was when he spent a year and a half in Europe and he got a chance to see America as the world sees it and realize there truly are opportunities. And it saddened me when he mentioned that he did not grow up knowing America was full of opportunities and it was not taught to him. I realized that growing up to see and know that the world is full of opportunity was special and we all need to make sure we instill that in our kids. If you want it, go get it. It's there. But nobody is going to hand it to you.

Another issue that touched me was when Alistair Edwards said he was taught that when you meet people, the next thing you do is ask what you can do for them to make their life better. That is a winner!

Delson Adeoye and Muyiwa Babalola went so deep into history and research on this issue, they had my head spinning!!! Brandi Mitchell reminded us that whether giving service, or being serviced, as African Americans/ Blacks in general, we need to step it up and make sure we are competitive in the business world and providing quality service. And if we are receiving service, appreciate and value it, pay what it is worth and don't try to get it for free.

While Klarque Garrison was helping me with my things and walking me to my vehicle last night, I casually looked up at Grady hospital and mentioned how I worked out of there for three years during residency. I also mentioned some other places farther out where I had worked and he wondered how I had worked in all these cities he'd never been to. When I explained to him how needing a work visa almost guarantees you can't get a job in certain desired locations as a foreigner, he was almost speechless. "We have a different set of challenges that y'all don't understand," I had said to him. And because we're programmed to be resilient as Africans, you might look at me and think I have it all, because I don't complain. But you don't know how many thousands of dollars go to my attorney to process immigration related issues or the challenges that are unique to me as a non-American.

For Africans in America, our challenges are current. We don't hold on to the past, we let that go. Whatever things were lacked while back home are quickly forgotten. Whatever you suffered in your early years here become something to laugh over. For African Americans, half of the challenges are perceived, psychological or emotional (which doesn't make it less important) and half is current. Like Brandi said last night, slavery is a mindset that is hard to break. But we all have unique problems and only in coming together can we have power in numbers.

When I got home last night, I was rejuvenated and drained at the same time, so much so that I felt weak in my body, like I had run a marathon. My hips hurt and I hadn't been standing all day. That was my personal breakthrough working through every fiber of my being. So while I was giving, I received as well.

After I let it all out in church today, I fell in love all over again with my blackness, my Africaness and especially being black in America. I love this country. I love living here and this is my home now. I love Atlanta especially. I'm here to stay. And I won't give up, until all our voices are heard and we all become one.

Give us a chance people. We are one!

Thank you Survive 365 and Klarque Garrison for giving me this opportunity and I look forward to future collaborations with you.

Blessings

Invite to FREE Panel Discussion: "The African Divide in America"

2011-01-11T09:15:00.000-05:00

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

D.K. Garrison, Author/Speaker

(866) 642-9125 office

(404) 447-8265 local

www.survivethenext365.com

klarque@survivethenext365.com

Atlanta based author hosts 6 panel discussion: African vs African-American sociological divide

“The African Divide in America”

Atlanta, Ga.—January 22, 2011—Since 1865, blacks in America have had their freedoms. Soon after, African immigrants started migrating to the US for better education and opportunities. Almost instantly African-Americans and their brothers from Africa have had an invisible divide between the two communities. Rarely is there an economic or social collaboration anywhere in the US between them.

On Saturday January 22, 2011 4pm-6pm EST at the Auburn Ave. Research Library, 4th floor (101 Auburn Ave. NE Atlanta,Ga. 30303), a panel of six successful entrepreneurs (3 Africans, 3 African Americans) will meet to openly discuss why? The event will be hosted by D. Klarque Garrison author of “How to Survive the Next 365” & Moderated by Michael McFadden host of the wildly popular radio show “Real Talk with Michael McFadden”. Special Presenter/Speaker will be Mr. Chris Gloss who is the Nation’s #1 Possibility speaker. The six person panel includes stalwarts Dr. Folake Taylor (Author), John McQueen (entrepreneur), Delson Adeoye (businessman), Alistair Edwards (motivational speaker), Chloe Taylor-Brown (Life Coach), Muyiwa Babalola (attorney). The event is FREE and open to the general public. The format will be a moderated forum with a Q&A period for the audience. Our goal is to enlighten, provide insight and create an open dialog for future partnerships.

For more information, contact D. Klarque Garrison (404) 447-8265, Folake Taylor (770) 312-7973, or Delson Adeoye (404) 781-5909

Media: Contact Host D. Klarque Garrison for interviews or coverage at klarque@survivethenext365. For ad, bios, headshots or more info call (866) 642-9125.

A New Day, A New Year...

2011-01-10T17:32:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year!

Now, about those New Year Resolutions we all insist on having every year. Though I have a slightly different take on those, since it is January now, whatever was not already implemented in 2010 is now something we are struggling with and hopefull succeeding at. First rule of thumb is this: If at first you don't succeed, try, try and try again. My second rule is I have renamed them All Year Resolutions and not just to be implemented at the start of a new year. I believe that as soon as you recognize and decide the change is needed, you should plan for it in the near future if not immediately, so as not to load up this one magical day of the year with too many changes that you couldn't possibly keep to.

That being said. If you have more than three things on your list of New Year Resolutions, I suggest you stagger them. By that I mean set a date to implement each one so that you are not working on ten different things at once. I say that because if you get overwhelmed, you stand a huge chance of not succeeding at any of it. This is the advice I give with any kind of life changes, except if they are related. For example, if your resolutions are all along the lines of "I'll stop cheating on my spouse; I'll spend more time with family; I'll skip the strip clubs..." those to me don't count as different resolutions! They essentially count as one. But if on the other hand they are "I'll lose twenty pounds; I'll stop smoking; I'll stop taking prescription pain medications I'm dependent on..." then you might need to stagger it. I give the last example of course with my dear patients in minds. Those are probably three of the most common changes I hear people wanting to make, especially at the beginning of the year. Other common ones of course are alcoholism, non-adherence to medications or diets for diabetes, hypertension and high cholesterol as well as preventive care.

Let me break it down for you. One of the hardest things to do at the same time is stop smoking and lose weight. This is because when you stop smoking, you gain weight. I think this is multi-factorial. People who smoke are used to having something to do with their fingers a lot of the time. They replace the cigarette with food. Also, many people have anxiety which the nicotin deals with and without the nicotine, they suddenly get very nervous and jittery and comfort eat. What I normally suggest is that you stop smoking first, allow yourself to gain whatever weight might come with it and figure out how to get past that and be at a stable weight before you try to lose weight, with or without help.

I know this is not the scenrio for the general populace or outside of a doctor's office setting of course. On the street, you might hear more of "I want to be closer to God this year; I want to start a business and be successful with it; I want to write a book; I want to be a better parent to my children; I want to be a better spouse; I want to be a better child to my parents..." etc.

We are not machines. We are humans. We want to do all these things but rather than set ourselves up to fail, I suggest we map out a plan to stagger it and once we achieve one or two goals and master them, we can take up the next challenge. I use the same technique with lifetyle nutritional changes (note we are not saying diet anymore) and that way, the ability to stick with the changes are permanent and not temporary or intermittent. In turn, the results are also more permanent.

I think the traditional way of approaching New Year Resolutions sets us up for failure and by the third month, many people have given up on many of their resolutions. It seems like it's too hard.

If you chose to adopt my approach, I would love to hear back from you by email or otherwise. I wish us all a fantastic year full of blessings, progress and growth. More importanly, let us remember to give back. Be a blessing to somebody else. That is the only resolution I am working on presently; to be a blessing. With the exception of less time on fecebook. Shhhh. You'll be surprised that by the time you are done, God has taken care of your business.

BLESSINGS.

The Hair Issue...

2010-12-30T10:54:00.000-05:00

For the better part of the past few years, I had relatively short hair which was mostly natural. I say mostly because as much as I would love to not have to touch it with any chemical at all, I do have to go against my wishes to loosen up the very tight kinky curls of most of us "native Africans" as I have recently been called, as opposed to African Americans. In other words, those of us not necessarily blessed with "Good Hair" or something like that. HA!

In recent months, I decided to switch it up. I got long wet and wavy braids from human hair, along with the simple braids my baby girl sported for her third birthday. Like mother, like daughter, eh? (Laughing). I got a lot of positive response with that hair, especially at work. I was told I looked younger, like in my twenties or something. Some folk thought my hair had grown and the surprise is not only in them thinking it was my real hair but in thinking it can grow that fast. Now, I have lived in the United States for almost eleven years, but the past few months is the first time that I will work in an area where I hardly see black folk. I have had two black patients in nine months, so to speak. Anyway, what I am trying to say is most of these responses have come from Caucasians.

When my long braids were about to expire or combust if I didn't change something, I had to take them out and that I did, even though I did not have enough time to get another hair do that same weekend. That left me with one week of looking quite afrocentric with my headwrap, if you catch my drift! I got a totally different set of responses. From "can I see your hair underneath?" to thinking the little frilly stuff at the edge of the fabric might be my hair to wondering if my braids were still inside it and just bunched up. I even joked and told some people they could have found roaches or rodents in my hair before I took the long braids out.

After a week of the wrap, I got a chance to sport another do. This time, I got short twists just about the length of my real hair, which is what I would call mid-length now. Of course mid-length black hair would be short for some other folk. Moving on. Here's the real kicker. People have been touching my hair. Most think it is my real hair. Many think I got a hair cut because my previous hair was down to past my shoulders.

I find myself having to refer people to the movie "Good Hair" by Chris Rock, or should I say the documentary. Contrary to some of the responses I have heard, I believe it is not only informative but necessary to see what other people go through to get their hair to look like something you can walk out of your bedroom in. The only disclaimer I add is that I do not spend $2K on my hair but rather, closer to a few tens or when it is to last a few months such as what I have on now, I might spend a little under $200. But that would be my limit. The $180 hair would have to last three months for it to be worth the expense.

What really gets me is that as many black people as there are in this country, other races really have close to no idea how our hair care differs from theirs or that a black person can go from short hair to long hair in six hours and of course it's not their real hair, duh. I have had so many different hairstyles in my time that I think I'll display some of them here for your perusal, as long as I can locate a photo for you.

But you know what? We are all guilty of not knowing enough about the other race, of not paying enough attention, of maybe even not being interested. In as much as some of the statements people have made about my various hairstyles in the last year have been sometimes annoying or ignorant, at least it beats lack of interest. Someone even gave me hair product earlier this week and I realized when I looked at it that it was most likely made for curly Caucasian hair and not black hair. But the important thing is that she reached out to me in friendship and gave me a gift which I truly appreciate.

I am not without fault in this matter. It was only in recent years that I realized how much stuff Caucasians also do to their hair, sometimes on a daily basis. People with curly hair straighten it to get the straight look. People put highlights in their hair or constantly dye it for a preferred hair color. It's a little more than just jumping in the shower and using a blow dryer and ruffling their hands through it like I used to think. It sounds so ignorant now but I really didn't know better. I now know my Caucasian sisters also get perms and have to buy lots of hair product from holding sprays, gels and mousse to just about anything to get it to be anything other than in a pony tail. Even the men might need some mousse for a mohawk or the Brad Pitt effect.

Shouldn't we be a little more interested in not only our similarities but our differences? Shouldn't we care more about the next person? Even an African American with good hair may not fully understand what the rest of us go through. And I admit I am totally hating now but hey, I can't just put olive oil in my hair and walk out the door looking fly. It will most likely all end up on my forehead later in the day and the hair will still be the same. And I couldn't possibly just jump in the pool for a swim (if I could swim) and have hair looking great again thirty minutes later. But by the same token, the sister with the good hair is so much harrassed and hated on about it that it's crazy. One said to me recently that people have told her to her face that they believe she relaxes her hair secretly. Now that's just hurtful.

Maybe I'm alone in this but I absolutely am almost at a loss for words about how much more we ALL need to try harder to be in someone else's shoes and to see life outside of our little sphere. Can it really be so hard to just look around and pay attention to things other than our immediate business? Would a little quest for knowledge or a little interest hurt?

What say you?

As we approach the new year, BLESSINGS!

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year....

2010-12-29T21:40:00.000-05:00

I somehow forgot to post this when I wrote it so here goes...Lol.

I am one of those people who have a different twist on New Year Resolutions. Some people understand my point, yet others disagree because I dare to challenge a notion they were raised with and that they believe is just the way it should be at the beginning of the year.

Let me start by clearing this up. I am not opposed to New Year Resolutions. I am a huge fan of change and progression so why would I be opposed? Here's my take on it however. Both from personal experience and from watching people around me over the four decaded I have been blessed to be on planet earth, over and over again, I realized we would all make up this list of New Year Resolutions near the end of each year, hoping to implement them on the following January first. Sounds like a good idea right? After all, we all want to grow and be better people. We all want to advance in life. We all want to achieve something in 2011 that we did not achieve in 2010. The only problem I see repeatedly is that there is too much burden placed on that magical day, January first. We adopt this attitude of procrastination under the guise of New Year Resolutions.

What I see happening is this. The first two or so weeks of the year, everyone is happy and keeping to all their new rules. Some even make it up to a whole month on their new rules. Then what happens? We start to slip. By the second month, I am sure you will agree with me that most people have fallen off the wagon with at least half of their new practices. By the third month, probably another quater of your new practices have yet again proven impossible to keep up with. Most people by the end of the first quarter are right back where they started. Why is this?

This is my theory. We have good intentions but we place too much of a burden on this one magical day that is supposed to miraculously change everything. Here is how I have overcome it over the years. Rather than the conventional New Year Resolutions, I choose to see them as life changes or All Year Resolutions. Whenever I come to the realization that I need to change or improve on any area of my life, or take on something new, I start. I don't put it on a list with twenty-nine other things to start on January first. At every point in time, I am working on a few things and constantly re-evaluating how good I am doing, what I can do to improve my performance and what I have fallen off the wagon with and what I can do to fix it. I'm like an analyst but what I'm analyzing is my life and it is daily, it is constant and if I am falling short, I get back up and start again. What I am not doing however is starting too many things at once, decreasing the chance of me succeeding.

It's like with making a lifestyle change with our nutrition. I always admonish people to pick one thing they can work on and when they have it down, try something else. If you make all your dietary changes in one day, you will most likely fall off the wagon. It can be as simple as stopping carbonated drinks. When you have that down, you can add avoiding fried and fast foods on most days and you can even pick a day of the week when you will eat that one decadent meal, or once a month. I have found that to work better and to last longer than starting ten different dietary changes on one day because you are "going on a diet," a term I almost detest.

So, as we come to the end of the year, instead of pilling up a long list of New Year Resolutions to start on January first, I admonish you to adopt a system to start making those changes now, with now being anytime you come to the realization that change is needed. One or two things at a time, then when you have it down, add another positive change. And it is not too late to adopt this attitude. See how that works for you as you make 2011 your best year yet.

Be thankful for seeing 2010 through. It is a blessing and not to be taken for granted. Commune with your God and step into 2011 with confidence and renewed vigor. May God bless our efforts.

BLESSINGS.

Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year!

2010-12-20T23:11:00.002-05:00

Confection Dazzle Christmas

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The Holiday Season...

2010-11-17T13:36:00.001-05:00

It's almost scary to think about for some, isn't it? You remember it's almost Christmas and you shudder. Why is that? Is it because you feel the need to buy present for all the kids in your life and some as well as a host of adults? Is it because there are so many festivities and food starting right about now that you add weight and you are concerned you will slip in your weight loss efforts? Is it because it's cold and dark and that sometimes gets your mood down in the dumps? Or do you have several family birthday in December like me which means your vehicle tag and tax are also up for renewal? Are you feeling blue because you were unable to keep to your new year resolutions at the beginning of 2010 and another year is about to roll in and you feel like a failure?

Whatever might be bothering you, take heart. There is still a light at the end of the tunnel. The rainbow will once again show its face. We need to strategize.

1) Christmas is not about spending money and presents primarily. It's about remembering the birth of Jesus. If you cannot afford expensive or multiple presents as you please, how about making something or offering service to someone as a Christmas present? How about a book? A nice book as a present still shows you care and makes the person feel better about themselves. The ability to make a person feel empowered at the end of the day would be good. How about The Only Way is Up by yours truly? All these issues are actually discussed in this book.

2) Concerning the tendency to overeat, you can resolve right now to be disciplined. If you need to tell yourself "food is the enemy" to make you stop at that sizeable portion, or skip that white bread, then do that. The Only Way is Up also has a chapter on nutrition, exercise, weight and health which chronicles the system that has worked for me and helped to reduce my cholesterol. And I promise it is not any heavy diet plan, it is all just basic principles.

3) If you're down because it's cold and dark a lot around this time of year, you'll need to get comfort from within, from God, and from company. We may not be able to change the season but we can change our reaction to it. Focus on the spirit of Christmas, togetherness, giving including giving of service and be thankful you are alive and for everything that is going well in your life.

4) If your expenses seem like they're coming at you like an airplane about to crash, take a deep breath and just take it one step at a time. Next year, start to plan earlier. Whatever is not a necessity needs to go. Make a list of wants and needs and go with the needs first. You might just find out at the end of the day that everything important has been taken care of and the world did not end because you did not get to the other column on your list.

5) If you missed your mark with New Year resolutions, start now. Don't wait till January 1st 2011 to start going to the gym, start eating healthy, start calling your parents regularly, start respecting your spouse, stop being difficult or argumentative, put more effort into your job, stop telling fibs, start going to church regularly, start volunteering, start paying tithe, stop buying a gazillion shoes in every color, or what have you. Once you identify the need to make that change, go ahead and make it. That way you don't set up January 1st to not have a chance at survival because of the impossible burdens you have put on that one day.

I discuss a lot of these issues in my book and yes, you have the name down by now, The Only Way is Up. And it truly is. It would make a perfect Christmas present for your loved ones. Please visit my website for more information on the book and pick up a discounted copy on amazon.com. The Kindle edition is even less expensive.

Christmas time should be a great time. Make it so. You have the power.

BLESSINGS!

Should You Ask a Man About His Sexual Orientation? (Book Giveaway opportunity...)

2010-11-10T21:46:00.000-05:00

Sounds like a strange topic for a blog post right? Well, not really. The thing is this. I have a whole chapter in my book "The Only Way is Up" about the single life and the search for Mr Right. It's titled "For All My Single Ladies." But I write about so many different things in this book that in the whole year since I released the first edition, I have not gotten to actually breaking down this chapter for the ladies. I need to.

My week started off with a bang on Sunday night, as my second Blog Tour with BooksAnd... took off. I had a great radio interview with Character Corner's Attorneymom, possibly one of my best actually. Monday was great with For Colored Gurls. Then came Tuesday morning and I got one of the most explosive mixed reviews for this book on Reading Has Purpose. Not to bore you, the person's bone of contention was mostly with this chapter for single ladies, especially my comment concerning the issue of sexual orientation (which got me thinking about it), as well as my culture shock chapter. Evidently they have a problem with my delivery. Opinions allowed. Moving right along. It was a fun night on Love Radio with Shivawn Mitchell within a few hours, ending my night with a bang. Today has been just as great with Sol Searching and especially Melissa J Dixon who simply blew me away with her review. Please follow the rest of the tour if you please. I even got Glamazini's review video in advance (another mixed review!) and I'll share it with you before it posts tomorrow. So far, there's been 795 views on youtube!

I digress. So, I thought about it, the issue about sexual orientation and asking a man you are about to get into a relationship with directly about it. And yes, I did advise it in my book and infact, I indeed had this discussion with my husband when I first met him. I came straight out and asked him if he was attracted to men or if he'd ever had a relationship with men. I'm not stupid. I know people lie all the time. But has anyone heard of a group of people who will not lie to you even though they will take advantage of cracks in the wall all day long? And did anyone hear of Dina Matos or Terry McMillan and how these downlow ex-husbands of theirs turned around and said over and over that these women knew they were gay but just ignored it? Can you imagine anything worse happening to you? Not only does he destroy your basic trust in the human race for life and leave you heartbroken, he has also convinced himself that you knew, to free himself of guilt. I know asking will not prevent every case of this but for an inherently honest man, a discussion such as this might make him draw back or even tell the truth if they already harbor an attraction to the same sex. And if they truly thought you were ok with it, then they'll know you're not. It might just help somebody. It was a rule I adopted while I was dating anyway.

Among other things I mentioned is that in the developed world especially, we should conduct background checks on people we have not known for a long time as is often the case. It's easy and inexpensive to do now so why not? Does it hurt anybody? I think not. In the Bible, people married from their hometown so they knew their history. Back home in Nigeria, parents will delve into family history, even if you don't.

I also talk about working on one's self as a woman to get to the point where you are whole and one with God and in a position to be added to someone else, a man. It's 1+1=1 with marriage. Weird math that is. If you are half or a quater, the union will not be whole and may be temporarily or even permanently shaky.

Some of the other important points I harp on are being an individual, self esteem, self worth, confidence, and so much more. I will try to touch on many of the key points I raise in this chapter and the rest of the book over the course of the next few months. I just wanted to give you a teaser. For today, let's just try to share about this sexual orientation thing.

What say you?

(By the way, free copies of "The Only Way is Up" can be won by participating in the Blog Tour, mostly leaving comments or whatever stipulations each blog has put up such as tweeting about it. Get yours! It's FREE.)

BLESSINGS.

Marriage Cheat Sheet

2010-11-05T14:46:00.001-04:00

When I bared my heart about the state of marriage in present times on my facebook status update on Tuesday, little did I know that something very good will actually come of it.

Here is where it all started:

"If people don't know the difference between marriage and a relationship without legal or spiritual commitment, they should not get married. Many of the things that make you break up with a person in a relationship happen in marriage too; you just don't break up. You work it out to the best of your ability. There are very few deal breakers in marriage. I know it's hard but you can make it..."

I woke up on Tuesday morning angry at the state of marriage in the world. The previous night, I had watched the Real Housewives of Atlanta AKA RHOA and it had saddened me that despite not knowing the details or knowing for sure that there was any dealbreaker situation going on with Nene Leakes and her husband of thirteen years Greg, everybody essentially felt the best way to support her was to encourage her to move on if it wasn't working. Nobody considered that it could be a passing phase, that they could still see the mountain top once again after the valley, that the fact that you are unhappy now and it is not good now does not mean it can never get back to where it was.

That was why I wrote that update. It has twenty-five comments to date. Some agreed. Some disagreed. I pissed someone off along the way. But what makes it all worth it for me is that last night, I got this message, also on the thread:

"Folake you might not believe this but this thing you started actually saved a three year old marriage yesterday . Both parties read your post and the comments and canceled their divorce case and gave each other a second chance....I pray they get it right this time.....Bless you Sis"

And this morning, I got an inbox message from another person who had copied and pasted my status update and sent it to her friend who was having problems with his seventeen year marriage. He also sent a message back to the friend asking what he could do to make it right with his wife.

This makes me happier than a shopping spree, or dessert, or comfort food or anything you can think of. I decided to make up a marriage cheat sheet, mostly from a woman's point of view but I can assure you men can gain a thing or two from it as well.

Marriage Cheat Sheet

I ask God not only for the gift of forgiveness but of forgetfulness.

I ask God daily what I can do for the greater good of the relationship and not my selfish needs or wants.

I pray for my husband.

I pray for our relationship.

I concentrate on the good in him.

I accept him as him and stop trying to change him.

I understand and accept my imperfections and that he sometimes struggles to deal with me too.

And when I feel I can't go on, I rebuke the devil and affirm God's will for my marriage! I resolve to stay in it.

God has blessed women with a greater ability to keep a relationship healthy by having a gentle spirit and being wise. I am not gentle in behavior, stupid, a pushover or docile.

If I can do it, almost anybody can.

BLESSINGS.

The Struggle and the Hustle

2010-10-14T08:13:00.001-04:00

While we know struggling and hustling are by no means synonymous, I increasingly see a peculiar lack of drive in people who have never lacked, never wanted.

My question is this: Are we doing a disservice to our kids by providing too much for them? More questions still. By providing all their needs and possibly wants, have we killed their get-up-and-go? What's your take on this, people? How do we strike that balance between providing for them and going overboard to spoiling them. Where do we draw the line between housing a grown child for free without any responsibility required of them and helping out a grown child temporarily that is warranted and sometimes necessary.

I couldn't help noticing on the radio the other day that Gladys Knight and the two radio show hosts all said at some point, their mothers had been on food stamps. Yet on the other hand, there are scores of heirs and heiresses to huge business empires who will never do any more than squander the family resources literally. They feel absolutely no need to be gainfully employed or to learn how to make a living because they are already wealthy without it. And they add a good dose of irresponsible public behavior in the mix as a recipe for disaster.

We know that if God has blessed us to be able to provide well for the little ones he has placed in our care, we cannot then pretend that we do not have. How then do we instill these values in them? How do we work hard and make money to provide comfort for our family and still keep their drive? What kinds of conversation keep them in perspective and focused?
PEACE.

We are all selling something!

2010-10-12T22:59:00.001-04:00

We all have something we are selling, be it goods, services or ideas. Whether or not they translate to actual cash versus popularity or acceptance is irrelevant as that is not always the aim for everybody. But it does not make it any less of a sale. We're all still selling something.

In selling, let us be mindful of other people's space and time even as we pitch "our thing" to them. That's why I love facebook as a social networking and marketing tool. You can post whatever you want on your wall all day long and it will show up on your friends' home pages. Whoever is interested will click on it. An interesting question might spur a discussion. A much needed bit of information might encourage clicks to a link. You might actually make money if someone buys something. You might get a thank you for insightful words shared. And whoever is not interested just keeps it moving. Like we say in Nigeria, "Notin spoil."

Of course we have the inbox messages and depending on how you use it, you could actually get on people's nerves. For those with a fan page to push what they are selling, you can also send updates to fans. That can start to get on people's nerves if they are too frequent. The good thing about it however is that anyone who so pleases can "un-friend" you, if that is a word or choose to no longer be a fan of your page, if they are uncomfortable with the pressure or the frequency of your updates. Or they could simply hide your updates and that way, everybody is happy.

Twitter is even better, for those who can keep up with it. It all happens in real time except someone retweets. You only see tweets so far back. It's all dynamic. Whatever you don't catch when it is happening is gone, except you go search it out by hashtag or on the sender's page.

When you are physically selling to people in their own space, the same rules apply. They have invited or allowed you in out of the goodness of their heart. And the fact that you have brought lunch, a fruit bowl, free samples or other incentive does not negate the fact that you are in their space. Try to be mindful of their space and time or you might lose the privilege of being able to pitch to them, just like on facebook.

Always remember, they don't have to listen to you at all, they don't have to visit your page, they don't have to make that comment, and they don't have to press the like button. It is totally of their free will and you cannot force it. Do not push so hard that they wish they had never let you in.

PEACE.

Half Full or Half Empty

2010-10-02T09:06:00.000-04:00

Nigeria turned fifty yesterday. Fifty years since Nigeria got her independence from the British. When I woke up, I chose my facebook status update carefully:

‎"I pledge to Nigeria my country..." Reminiscing as Nigeria clocks 50 today...I am proud of my heritage...

There is no need to lie, even on Nigeria's special day and especially since the next line of the pledge says "to be faithful, loyal and honest."

I saw a lot of different status updates yesterday. There were those like me who were celebrating the heritage like me. Others were celebrating regardless, it was just party time. Others were pointing out the things about Nigeria that have not moved forward or that have frankly speaking regressed and there was no lie in it.

One thing I have learnt in my fourth decade on planet earth is that I can control my perception of any situation. To the best of my ability, I have adopted a "half full" vs "half empty" approach. For me, it's also in line with faith as a Christian. I am not lying to myself, I just choose to focus on the good over the bad. That's especially so on birthdays.

Every country, person and situation has a good side to it if we look closely enough. The same way that your spouse, partner, friend, sibling, parent, boss, co-worker or employee is not perfect but you focus on the good in them so as to be able to continue to relate to them, you can think of Nigeria in those terms. While I cannot glorify the corruption, the senseless killings, the religious and tribal tension and the inequality, on that one day of Nigeria's golden jubilee, surely, I could try not to think of electricity and water just for that one day.

It is not because it does not affect me. When I visit it does. And even when I don't visit, it affects my family and friends and my ability to reach them, my peace of mind about their safety, my ability to have a good night's rest. I heard about the bombing in Abuja yesterday before my family in Nigeria. My parents had no electricity and did not feel up to putting on the generator having recently lost the guard who normally did it so they were not watching TV or surfing the net. They were alerted by a text from me. My brother who was local also had not heard about the unfortunate incident. These type of stories are typical.

But we will continue to press forward. Maybe, just maybe one day, we will truly be proud of Nigeria for so much more than our culture and heritage. Maybe democracy will finally prevail and justice will be served. I have a dream. A dream of the end of tribal and religious wars and a rich, thriving and flourishing Niger-Delta area. Not just for the oil company workers but the Niger-Delta people.

One day....

BLESSINGS.

Temptation vs Sin

2010-09-23T09:41:00.000-04:00

I am not one of those who go cuckoo and blame the devil for their shortcomings. I own my stuff, putting it in politically correct terms!

“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” –Ephesians 6:12

Eve was tempted.
Job was tried–more like, his faith was at stake.
Jesus the son of God was tempted.
They all got tempted by the devil. Eve succumbed while Job and Jesus didn't. Free will took a different turn in each case and determined their fate and individual outcome.

People are uncomfortable talking about the devil. I wonder why. He exists. He has power but we have more power when we stay focused on Jesus.

While we have free will, the devil does tempt us. So when a person says of a situation "the devil is a liar" they mean the devil has really caused a serious situation this time that somebody possibly succumbed to and not that the devil made them drop their pants or do whatever they did.

We are not living in a bubble, thank you very much. I just had to let that out.

And there you have it. I have exhaled.

BLESSINGS.

Sexual Predation

2010-09-22T14:08:00.000-04:00

Sadly enough, this is not at all as uncommon as we think, regardless of where we are from and how we were raised. Personally, on doing some introspection this morning, I realized I was also guilty of personal forgetfulness with regard to this. Culturally, a Nigerian female does not talk about molestation or rape or anything like that because like Monica Lewinski, your chances of someone ever marrying you diminish the more you talk.

When I was ten years old, my one legged music teacher used to try and go up my skirt with his hands. I started to wear jeans to my music lessons. Finally, I quit music lessons. I switched to badmington and other stuff instead. My parents were easy. I could quit some things, as long as I wasn't quitting everything! But I never told anyone the specifics. I did hear whispers from other young ladies then but that was all it was. Whispers.

When I was in my late teens or early twenties, my youth pastor under the guise of praying for me tried to get under my skirt and I stayed away from him henceforth. You could never find me alone in a room with him after that and when it all blew up years later, I was not shocked.

In my early twenties or so, a fifty something year old supposedly celebate by choice "uncle" (my father's friend) staying in our house tried to kiss me and I ran. The man had not even brushed his teeth. He used to always hug too long and I had wondered about that.

But I never really made a big deal out of these. Nothing happened to these people to make them pay for it on my account. Of course I know better now. Thankfully, I was strong enough as a person even at age ten that I knew it was wrong and I didn't have to stand for it. It didn't go far enough to scar me for life though it made me angry. But what happened to the people who were not as strong or whose parents would not hear of them quitting music lessons because they just had to see it through? And you can bet if I had some of these experiences as someone who grew up in a two parent stable home with protective parents, worse happened to other people.

When I heard about the allegations against Eddie Long Yesterday, my heart sank and I immediately went into denial mode. Even now, I just hope it isn't true but I want the truth to come out, whatever that is because the truth always sets us free, albeit unpleasant at times.

I had a conversation on facebook with a mentor and she told me how her pastor who she reverred that way is in jail for having sex with a minor. An author friend of mine also wrote a book about breaking free from the effects of sexual molestation in childhood and young adult life and it made me think about things I had locked away that I just shared in this post.

Now that I have a three year old daughter, I cannot imagine what I would do if any male or female tried to molest her. All I can say is, whoever is doing these things needs to be brought to light. But if anybody is making false accusations of this calibre, I also hope it catches up with them. Let us also listen to these kids and pay attention to any changes in them. They need us to protect them.

We will just have to stay tuned. We also need to uphold our leaders in prayer. It is all well and good to point fingers at the Catholic church and pastors when they fall but when was the last time you got on your knees and upheld them in prayer? Rather than talk, I will pray more for pastors and leaders that they do not get so big that they lose sight of what is important and become exactly what they are fighting.

BLESSINGS.

What Kind of Person are You?

2010-09-20T11:59:00.000-04:00

While listening to clips of the president's recent speeches on the radio, I heard him say one thing that resonated with me. There are the "Yes we can folk" and there are the "No we can't folk." So, which one are you?

Some may argue that there are the people who are neither, who just don't want to pull their weight, make a difference, have a voice. But I beg to differ. I believe that if you are passive, you are not much different from being part of the opposition. The important thing is that you are not helping. You are a coward.

It brings a passage to mind in the Bible where there is talk of being neither hot nor cold. If I recall correctly, Jesus said of the lukewarm folk that he will spew them out of his mouth. That is because they are essentially of no use since they don't care one way or the other and are neither hot nor cold. They are not useful.

My challenge to you today is this. What kind of person are you? Are you always finding fault or do you come up with solutions? Are you a mover and shaker or do you blend into the scenery? Are you a "Yes we can person" or a "No we can't person" or worse still, lukewarm and confused? What do you stand for? What do you represent? If you represent something, stand up for it, let your voice be heard, let your feelings be known, fight for those who do not have a voice. Be passionate about something. Be about something.

BLESSINGS.

Please come along with me on my blog tour this week, The Only Way is Up blog tour coordinated by Tywebbin Creations. Please click on the Tywebbin link for the blog tour schedule. Today, the host blog is All The Buzz Reviews. A comment would be appreciated.

And the winner is...

2010-08-20T22:04:00.000-04:00

After randomly generating a winning name from a free tool online, the winner of A Heart To Mend AKA AHTM is none other than...(drumrolllllll)... Diamondhawk! I will get the ebook across to you ASAP. Please make sure to leave Ms Myne a review on amazon.com. Thank you all for participating. Watch out for more juicy giveaways from this blog.

It looks to me like H may have gotten chucked out by the machine which I unfortunately did not foresee or could do anything about. So, it may be a good idea to leave your real name in the post as entry for a contest if your google screen name is just one letter in the future. I'm just saying. That's all folks. Till next time...TGIF! We wish Ms Myne the best at LABBX tomorrow. May she sell lots of AHTM and may she make fruitful industry contacts...

BLESSINGS!!!

AUTHOR SPOTLIGHT/BOOK GIVEAWAY: Myne Whitman, author of "A Heart to Mend"

2010-08-16T23:07:00.000-04:00

Myne Whitman is a debut author of a romantic novel set in modern day Nigeria which has been received quite well both in Nigeria and in the United States. Myne is fast becoming a force to reckon with in the literary world. Having recently read A Heart to Mend AKA AHTM, I can see why. It’s an excellent first novel and I can only look forward to more great work from this prolific Nigerian writer.

Myne also runs an award winning personal blog mynewhitmanwrites, among many other projects she has under her wings including writing for bellanaija. This lady definitely wears many hats.

I am honored to be able to host her on my blog for this interview. She has been featured on blogs, magazines, newspapers and more. Everywhere you turn now, it’s Myne! Here is my interview with Myne Whitman.

Please comment on the interview to be entered to win an ebook version of AHTM.

What inspired you to write AHTM, Myne?

I have always been intrigued by the principle of unconditional love. Also, when I started reading the Mills and Boon Romance novels as a young adult, their stories had a big influence on my writing. Now when I decided on full time writing, I went back to that genre. The characters and issues dealt with in A Heart to Mend are from contemporary peoples and the issues that occur in relationships.

How long have you known you wanted to be a writer professionally and nothing else?

I have always known that being a writer was one thing I could do. Since I was very young, I was quite creative. I've been writing, drawing and painting and sketching house and dress designs. Right now, I won't say I'm a professional writer, there is no MFA, degree or writing workshop certificates. I'm just a full time writer. It's something I love doing and a choice I made just last year after I got married and moved to the United States.

How did your pseudonym come about? Why a pseudonym?

I have been using a pseudonym since I completed my first story while in university. It is simply the translation of my real names. When I write, I think in English since that it the language I write in and my pen name flows from that. For me, it is a way of channeling my creativity and retaining my privacy at the same time. I reserve my real name for more official and professional stuff.

Tell us a little bit about how and why you decided to self publish.

Several factors were involved, the major one being that I was now a full time writer. Others included the fact that the world has come to terms with the internet age and self publishing and other less conventional means of getting a book to an audience were beginning to take root. Talk about eBooks, kindles and Nooks and other such technology and I saw that it was worth a try.

Also my blog, Myne Whitman Writes (which recently won several awards including Blog of the Year at the Nigerian Blog Awards) had such a loyal following that I wanted to give them a chance to read the story. Most of them had been following it on my blog and were very supportive. The experience so far has been worth it. I am so amazed by the people who have accessed and read the book and the fact that they all seemed to come away with something even issues I had not really focused on.

What was your writing process? Did you have an outline? Did you have a skeletal/short story first or did you just write without knowing exactly what would happen next, allowing the story to take on a life of its own?

My writing process is pretty basic. Once I have my laptop, I’m good to go. I usually blog a bit before I start writing, something about reading all that different styles and stories. Sometimes I also like to listen to slow ballads while I write some emotional or love scenes. I am usually a plotter. I try to have an outline of all the chapters to include in a manuscript, but after that, it’s freewheeling all the way for the scenes or what could happen.

The inspiration for my writing and characters come from all over. I might have this idea and then see how it is handled in this TV series or movie or something. Or I have this character running around in my mind and then I come across the perfect scenario to try her out in. Then at times, I have these very funny dreams, where I dream up whole stories or at least scenes and even character backgrounds.

Did you intend for it to be purely entertainment or did you have a message in there especially for young ladies looking for love?

I usually leave my readers to deduce the themes in my stories. The only overarching message is that love can make a way if you allow it and that romance is not dead. It's the basic premise for romance novels. But in telling it and through the characters, I try to weave in topical issues that are valid for everyday life.

We haven’t had a romance novel based in Nigeria in a long time though we have had several contemporary literature pieces. How did you decide to write one?

First and foremost I wanted to write a story of love and finding oneself. Deciding to write a romance was from my own experience as a reader. I read widely but while literature pieces have to have a story to hook me, I will give any popular fiction a chance. I also felt that there were not enough romance novels set in contemporary Nigeria, and that I could do something to change that. Therefore, I used the events or stories I’ve heard or read about in real life Nigeria of the last few years to create a lot of these themes in A Heart to Mend.

Did you believe some may perceive it as wrong or alien to our culture to vividly paint a certain picture of love and romance?

Some reviews have already pointed that out but most agree that love and romance are age old topics and there will always be stories about human relationships. A few fellow writers asked if I was not boxing myself in yet I remember that in the seventies, eighties and nineties, there were lots of Pacesetter novels whose stories were based on love and romance.

How has AHTM been received? Has there been any opposition so far or has it been love and acceptance all the way?

I think A Heart to mend is a niche book. Most people outside this romance niche may not have heard of it. Those in the niche, cannot help but love it. There has been no opposition but critiques have been pouring in. People are eager for the next book, at the same time, they want a better product. It could be typos, writing style, or general content. I actually look forward to such feedback.

Have you ever written a love scene and if not, would you be comfortable writing a love scene even though it may be frowned on by our culture? Are you willing to push to envelope?

A Heart to Mend contained several love scenes. A reader actually complained that she wanted the characters to have sex which did not happen, lol. I won't say I'm pushing any envelopes by writing about lovemaking or sex. This is what we do everyday in our lives and Africa is one of the most populous continents. In my WIP, there is actually even more scenes like that and the excerpts I post on my blog are causing a furore already.

How easy was it for you to make your setting Nigeria, since you no longer reside in Nigeria? Did you have to travel back home to refresh your memory?

It wasn't too hard since I haven't been out of the country for too long, barely four years. However, Google maps and images played a great role. For instance, I never lived in Lagos where AHTM is set, only visited but when you plug the street you want on Google, you see the houses and neighbourhood. Google Earth is amazing and on slow days, I visit my old place in Scotland and drive by my favorite haunts. I can't wait for street view to be deployed in Nigeria too, right now I only have satellite view.

AHTM is fiction and romance. What else do you write?

I write short stories that pass more for literature pieces and I also write poems and articles/ opinion pieces.

Are you working on any new project at present and is it similar to AHTM or different?

I have my work in progress, also a romantic suspense novel which I hope to complete by the end of fall. The working title is Ghost of the past. In GOTP, Efe is a young girl who is separated from Kevwe, her former fiancé, by a series of traumatic events, and now wants the past resolved before she can accept his love again.

What’s next for Myne Whitman?

I look forward to telling more stories, publishing more books, and doing more for the Nigerian writing community through my website http://www.naijastories.com/.

Thanks for granting the interview which incidentally is my first blog interview/author spotlight. Where can we find you online or otherwise Myne?

My email is myne@mynewhitman.com . I blog at mynewhitmanwrites.com and on Facebook and Twitter, I'm /Myne.Whitman and @Myne_Whitman respectively. I will be in Los Angeles this weekend at the LABBX.

***Please remember to comment on the interview to be eligible to win an ebook version of AHTM.***

Ground Zero Mosque

2010-08-16T09:22:00.000-04:00

I have tried to stay away from controversial issues mostly since the last presidential elections. I have instead focused on fostering peace. I have not detracted from that and I hope at the end of this post, nobody is angered but rather enlightened. Once again, the world would be a much better and peaceful place if we would put ourselved in other people's shoes. And that's everybody.

All over the news this morning there's an outcry against the strong push to build a mosque near Ground Zero. And with good reason too. But have you considered the other side to the story?

A little personal background here: If you google Jos killings, you will see just how many thousands of Christian men, women and children have been killed by Moslem extremists in Nigeria in recent months. I have every right to feel even worse than any American about Islam. (If you are up to it, please click here for gruesome pictures of Jos killings in Nigeria. Be warned: there are dead bodies and mass graves in the pictures!)

As someone who grew up in a country where Christians have always been and are still being killed off like chickens by Moslem activists, I could easily take the stance of detesting all moslems. But I don't. Why is that? Because every Moslem is not deranged and crazy or fundamentalist. There are very good Moslems that make me want to be a better me. They pray five times a day despite all ridicule about the routine and as much as it is frowned upon by non-moslems. There are days I don't even get a chance to pray before I leave the house because I woke up late and I have to catch up with my quiet time later in the day. Some Moslems dress differently and have to endure stares all day every day. Could I do that? I don't know. I haven't tried.

I do agree that President Obama's two comments would have sounded better if it came in the same speech after he had thought it through and not as an addendum. But he is still not wrong. America was built on the premise of freedom (the land of the free) and the respect of fundamental human rights. It would actually be unconstitutional to tell the Moslems they cannot build that mosque. It is truly not against the law for them to build it on private property anywhere in the United States. But like he alluded to, the wisdom in that is a different story and is questionable. I don't want his job. It is hard to be president of everybody and to represent everybody's fundamental human right despiteand regardless of his personal opinion. It is hard.

That being said, is it expedient to build this mosque at that location? NO. Is it sensitive? NO. Will it foster peace? NO. I believe that not all things we want to do will foster peace in the community and it would be an insensitive move, albeit not against the law to go ahead with this mosque given the background of 911 and Islamic terrorists. It would be nice if we all thought it through, first.

Can we all just get along please? And can we first put ourselves in other people's shoes? That way, the people with the outcry will be more sensitive to the Moslem religion and respectful of our individual differences just like those with the proposal to build will also be more sensitive to the general climate in America about their religion. I hope both partis can have a conversation and resolve this.

It's like having a family member who is grown, an adult who keeps bringing shame to the family. You cannot control them. You cannot disown them. And even if you did, it wouldn't change much. You may even have the same last name. Yet you and this person are like night and day. Would it be right for people to assume you are the same as this family member just because there is a relationship with them that you did not ask for and you cannot change? No. We are all individuals and ultimately only responsible for ourselves and our underage kids. Even Lawrence Fishburne at this point can't do much about aspiring porn star Montana Fishburne even if he cries himself to sleep every night. Grow up people. These are the grays. It is definitely not a black and white issue.

Once again, can we judge less, talk less, listen more and most importantly, can we all just get along?

PEACE. And not only in the Middle East this time (though that's needed too) but in America!

You Get What You Ask For...You Reap What You Sow...

2010-08-14T09:25:00.000-04:00

This message came to mind at least twice in the same day so I had no choice but to write a post about it. As I drove home from work the other day, I listened to an interview on the Michael Baisden Show featuring the Singer Estelle from the UK. What struck me outside of the updates on her recent work, collaborations etc was when she mentioned that she had been at this for ten years. I thought about it and I probably heard about her two years ago. Granted that I am not the prolific music lover but still, it proved one thing to me yet again. It takes time to build a brand but if you stick with it, perfect it and put your all into it, you'll get there.

I have heard many authors say they've been at it for six years, ten years and such and I've just now heard about them or read one of their book. Some have said to me that they have written ten books and I just now picked up book number ten.

The problem is that we often want it now but we don't want to put in what it takes to get it. People like Beyonce have put in a lifetime of effort and discipline from her whole family and not just her. Fame and success do not come easy.

I have been doing some interviews recently on websites, blogs, etc. As I thought about some of them today, one thing struck me. The difference between a good or an excellent or even a possibly mediocre interview does not only depend on me, it also depends on the interviewer. There are interviews where no matter how hard I tried to make it fun, because of the way the questions were asked, it could never sound quite as interesting as I would like if I was to not go off on a tangent! On the other hand, some inetrviewers were so good or so in tune with me and my message that it had no choice but to come across as a great interview, even with little effort on my part and just being myself.

Everything in this world has a cause and effect. You get what you ask for and you reap what you sow. If you put no effort in, there is very little likelihood of success. We need to pay our dues and all else hopefully will follow as God blesses out effort. Flukes do happen but how often? Do you really want to leave it up to a very slim chance? I think not. And even though hard work does not always give the desired result, it definitely feels better to have put your whole heart in it as opposed to never trying and never getting a chance to see if it may have worked.

This can be applied to everything in life: your job, relationships, marriage, food, construction, etc. Name it, it applies.

May God help us to have the patience and the wisdom to pay our dues so that when the time is right, we will reap what we sowed.

BLESSINGS.

“It’s a Privilege, Not a Right!”...Yes, you…I’m Talking to You!

2010-08-04T17:54:00.001-04:00

While away on a mini vacation recently with my family, I had cause to try to teach a two year old the difference between a privilege and right. Early? Probably. But hopefully if I repeat it enough times, it will start to stick at some point :)

We decided to get a car rental to make our stay out of town more palatable and to facilitate transportation, to state the obvious. Of course, if I were to look around the parking lot of the car rental company and I was told to pick any vehicle and it was gratis, I would probably go with the fully loaded Cadillac escalade. But we all know it doesn’t work that way when you’re paying for stuff! So we went with a sedan–one that was big enough for us (my family of three) and all of our luggage, at the barest minimum. And yes, I am a packer! The package obviously did not include a DVD player or a GPS system. We had other means of finding our way that was free and that worked just fine.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with the Escalade. We would have had a blast in it. But it wasn’t pragmatic, essential, necessary, practical and may I add affordable to that list of descriptive terms?

My toddler was very good for the first three days. On day four she casually asked as we drove away from the hotel if she could watch TV and I’m not even sure what my answer was at that point. I thought she was kidding right? Right!

Much later in the day she asked a little more emphatically this time.

“I want to watch TV,” she said to me in a slightly low tone, while smiling cheekily but almost as if she was thinking, It won’t hurt to ask.

“You know there’s no DVD in this car baby,” I answered smiling as well but my tone sounding like You’ve got to be kidding me right?

She then said to me, “Why not?”

“We might need to ask the manufacturer about that one honey! Why didn’t they install a DVD player when they made this car?’”

“We need to have TV.” That was my little munchkin still on the same issue, after attempting to digest my answer.

At this point I take on the attitude of Oh no she didn’t. “We don’t NEED to have anything honey. We don’t need to have DVD in mama’s truck back home. We don’t even need to have a truck…or a car. We need to be thankful for whatever we have my dear.”

Thankfully, she looked quite satisfied with my explanation and we went on about the rest of our day quite satisfactorily.

Then I thought to myself, It’s a privilege and not a right. And at that point it was a learning point even for me, probably more so than my little mama. It’s just one of those things we need to remind ourselves of every so often, so as not to lose sight of what’s really important such as life, love, family and friendships.

Every now and again, we need to remind ourselves to be thankful for everything we have because if we didn’t have them, we’d still be alive, and it’s a blessing that we do have them. It’s a privilege, not a right.

BLESSINGS my people!

Little J doing her favorite thing in the back of mama's truck: watching a Leapfrog DVD!

To my Friends and Colleagues in the Medical Field...

2010-06-30T08:04:00.000-04:00

Whether you are completing residency or fellowship today, moving from one year to the next, changing jobs or moving from one phase in life to the other, I send the Irish Blessing your way:

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

May God be with you and bless you:
May you see your children's children.
May you be poor in misfortune,
Rich in blessings.
May you know nothing but happiness
From this day forward.

May the road rise up to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the warm rays of sun fall upon your home
And may the hand of a friend always be near.

May green be the grass you walk on,
May blue be the skies above you,
May pure be the joys that surround you,
May true be the hearts that love you.

AMEN.

I remember this day in 2006. It was a very special day and it is still a landmark for me each year I am further away from that day. Of course it is also a reminder that I am only 6 years away from needing board recertification and just a short while back, it was 10 years away.

I am thankful to God for what growth has taken place in this timeframe in different facets of my life and in your lives as well.

Let us celebrate this moment, use our time wisely as we step forward into new things. I salute you for your effort. Our profession is not one for the faint at heart. Kudos and keep pressing forward. Blessings.

PEACE.

I am NOT My Face!

2010-06-24T14:59:00.000-04:00

One would think that in the year 2010, men would somehow start to possibly understand that the most insulting thing to most women is to be treated like a piece of meat or a commodity. You see a handbag on the shelf and you like it-visual. You see a cute pair of sandals and want it-visual. You can see me and like how I look but you cannot love me and want to marry me just by seeing my facebook headshot. Common dude! You are not even on my facebook page to see pictures of the whole of me or to get an insight into what goes on in my head by being part of a conversation or something. When you proclaim your love for me just based on my face, that is about as bad as shooting yourself in the foot. Do you even know what the word "love" means? Now the fact that I am married with a child is just an added reason why you should really know a little more about who you're sending stupid and senseless inbox messages to.

Here's the message I got in my inbox yesterday. To protect the sorry brother, I will take out any information that might identify him:

The subject line read verbatim "i love you i want to married you kindly called on me 0**2546436**5"

The body of the email read "Love, like a river, will cut a new path whenever it meets an obstacle."

I of course found it very hilarious and put that as my status update the same way I have done here of course protecting the man's identity. In the meantime, I reported the message evidently. The attempt at poetry would have been cute if I knew him and was single. The grammar would still kill me though!

I then got a lot of responses on my page about this. Unbeknown to me, I had another sorry brother like this one also as a facebook friend. Unfortunately, after I became an author, I had to let down my guard about accepting people as facebook friends on my personal page because I realized many fans of my work wanted more interraction than is possible on a fan page alone. This brother said and I quote:

"Why are U treating this guy like a criminal by disparaging him on FB. There is no harm in a man telling U that he loves her. All U have to do is to say ' Thank U'. It is unfair for U to make him an object of ridicule on FB. What U have done may backfire as most men may view U as a loud woman. Only GOD knows where U gonna find your husband. This is one of the reasons why some women stay beyond 40 before finding a man."

Birds of a feather evidently! Before I got to facebook this morning, my friends had blasted him and told him I was happily married and settled. Do people even care to check? My husband's profile is linked to mine on facebook! That was done on purpose. I promptly responded and told him I'd wait till he read my response before I deleted him. Then he responded as such again:

"All human beings are wired differently. Our views and opinion can never be the same. Some people including you may see stupidity in what the guy has done while others like me may view it differently. This guy has exhibited anti social behaviour at which your response would have be...Thank U ...and move on. Every man has the GOD given right to propose to any woman and the fact that you disagree with his manner of approach is not enough for you to take him to Golghutta. l am happily married with children and l am not looking for but when a young woman goofed, l will do my best to correct her bcos "Agba kiiwa loja , ki ori omo tuntun wo", says a yoruba axiom. If U still wanna delete me from your FB, pls go ahead."

Talk of chauvinistic and narrow-minded. Since when does every man have a God-given right to propose to any woman? What an insult. He even called me loud. Social networking is part of an author's job. That's especially so for a non-fiction author. I need to be loud to encourage dialogue. I need to be loud to garner and reach my audience. I need to be loud to encourage laughs. And if it ain't funny to you, keep it moving. Thank him for what? Thank him for looking at me like a piece of meat? I am so much more than just my face. I deleted this brother also and blocked him thereafter. I can so do without this negativity and insult to women as a whole.

I do have a sense of humor and all this is really hilarious but I will also not be insulted. I get inbox messages all the time saying I'm pretty or whatever compliment and I do respond with a thank you and remind the men that I am married with a child and my husband can find them! And they act accordingly and everybody's happy thereafter.

Needless to say, there are a lot of freaks and psychos out there. There are probably even more you will encounter on facebook than in real life because on facebook, they can hide for a period.

Women are not a piece of commodity. We have personalities, we have brains and we are so much more than what we look like on the outside alone. If you're a man and you're yet to understand this, please do now. Women are NOT a piece of meat!

Like India Arie said,
I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am not your expectation no no
I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am a soul that lives within...

Get it right brothers

PEACE...

Daddies!

2010-06-21T22:26:00.002-04:00

Maybe I have amnesia but I cannot recall Father's Day in recent years being so filled with negativity toward men. It is a day to celebrate the fathers who are truly daddies and appreciate them. It is not a day to devote to magnifying the fathers who are not real daddies. I will be the first to say that my status update on my personal page on facebook yesterday addressed both issues and I even surprised myself. It read as follows:

Happy Father's Day to all the fathers out there who play the role of daddy and make it happen for their families on a daily basis. We don't have enough of that endangered specie nowadays. For those who need to make amends, it is not too late to start. Get going!

I can't recall that ever being my focus on father's day. My focus had shifted and I didn't even realize it. And that was before I got a chance to log on for any appreciable length of time after church and actually view other folks' status updates. There were so many updates that were saying happy father's day to the single mothers and such that it made me sad and it made me think. There is a shift in our thinking because of just how bad the absence of fathers has become, especially in the African American society. I have said it before and will say it again, 70% of African American homes are single parent homes. And we know that mostly refers to homes headed by women and not the few that are the exception. That is a topic for another day but I had to throw it in there.

So, let us never forget to acknowledge and celebrate the fathers who are real daddies to their kids, whether theirs biologically or not. We appreciate the fathers who feed their kids, bathe their kids, read them bedtime stories, teach them how to ride a bike and take them to the grocery store. We say thank you to the fathers who pay the bills, who work hard every day to put a roof over their families and clothes on their bodies. We say kudos to these rare men, an endangered species and I pray that somehow in my lifetime, we will be able to turn it around so that once again, we will have a preponderance of two parent families raising balanced kids to the best of their ability; that once again, we will have the respect for men that God intended even as it says in the Bible that the man is the head of the home. May these men truly be worthy of this title. May it be easy for their women to view them as such because they have earned it.

That is my wish
That is my prayer
That in my lifetime
Things will turn around.

Hmmmmm....................

The Power of the Spoken Word

2010-06-02T11:33:00.000-04:00

Yes. There is power in the spoken word. There is power in anything that comes out of my mouth. This is not a new lesson I am learning. My mama taught me a very long time ago not to joke about things I don't mean. And I admit I thought she was stiff anytime she said that. But as I became a woman, I realized she was right. That still does not mean I don't need to sometimes be reminded of this golden rule however.

Two days ago, this was my status update on my facebook personal page as Memorial Day drew to an end:

"Can I have just one more day off please?"

Harmless enough, right? NOT!

The next morning, I had to rectify that and put a learning point from the ensuing experience. This was my next status update:

"Be careful what you ask for! That fallen angel is always hovering around trying to make things happen that you didn't even mean when you said it. Your words have power. Good morning fb. Make it a great day..."

To protect the innocent, I won't bore you with the details. It will suffice to say I did get that extra day off alright that I was jokingly asking for. But it was not the way I wanted. Nor was it spent doing what I wanted. It was an experience I could have done quite well without. To the question "why", I couldn't help but feel like there was a voice in my spirit saying to me: "You got what you asked for." I sure did.

Could it have been a coincidence? Yes. But could I not have joked about something I didn't really mean? Yes as well.

1 Peter 5:8 says:

"Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour..."

Sorry but I love my Old King James best still. That's how I learnt it way back then!

Take heed my brothers and sisters. The spoken word has more power than we give it credit for. The devil can latch unto your own words and make things happen you never meant to happen, from things you thought you were joking about. Let us say what we mean and mean what we say.

BE BLESSED.

Two Decades Ago....

2010-05-26T14:40:00.001-04:00

How many of us can remember exactly who we were fifteen or twenty years ago? I guess the more appropriate question would be "How many of us can relate to who we were fifteen or twenty years ago?" I'd like to think that even if we could remember, it would be hard for us to relate! That of course is a sign of personal growth.

There are very few people who are not much different from who they were back then. I say very few because we have the select minority of people who have always had their life together and made all the right decisions, right? Just a select few however. Hahaha. I can truthfully tell you I wasn't one of those. But I am grateful to God for how far he has brought me.

Unfortunately, some people really do look at you and see who you were twenty years ago. That's not only hilarious, it is stupid. And it really just proves those people who are comfortably stuck in the past like that are the ones that have not grown at all.

One of my friends, Pastor Flo, had a status update to that effect a few days ago on facebook. It essentially stated that if your memories are bigger than your dream, its a disaster. It was a quote by Jesse Dup. It was like he took the words right out of my mouth as I had intended to write a short note about this and just had not gotten around to it.

My wish for all of us is that our dreams and our destination are so much bigger than anywhere we've been that our memories though important are only a small fraction of what takes up our day. If our current situation and our dreams and aspirations remain big, we will not have the time to dwell so much on memories, especially negative ones.

Keep looking forward. Keep marching forward.

PEACE!

Winner of the 500 UPrinting.com Business cards Giveaway!

2010-05-15T10:39:00.000-04:00

And the winner is...(drumrollllllll)...Tiffany Eskew! And me of course. We both get 500 business cards from UPrinting.com absolutely free; 2-sided gloss, full color, free shipping with a 3 days turnaround. Now, where can you beat that?

Enjoy your weekend y'all and please be on the lookout for more giveaways. It's for real.

Mother's Day!

2010-05-08T22:14:00.000-04:00

Mothers are amazing. Mothers wipe snort, cry with you, laugh with you, bail you out of trouble, love you, care for you, keep the family together, protect you and so much more.

Mother's day is the preferred spelling, so it will be personal for each family and not a collective term for all mothers. This is according to Wikipedia.

In the UK and Nigeria, Mother's Day was in March and is also sometimes called Mothering Sunday. In the US, it is this Sunday, May 9th 2010. This coincides with the second Sunday in May.

Many mothers hope to be celebrated on that day. Expectations are sometimes high. Some mothers may dream of a day free of childcare where they get to have dinner at a restaurant such as the rotating Sundial in Atlanta. Some just want to spent it with their kids and be appreciated and told how much they are loved. Some wish for designer bags from their husbands. Some would settle for a nice home-cooked meal but cooked by someone other than them. And some want to go to Dubai for the weekend (hint, hint)! Unfortunately, many mothers will not get what they hope for on that day.

Let us celebrate us, whichever way it comes to us. Being a mother is a wonderful thing. Let us appreciate ourselves. Let us pray for those who have not yet had the opportunity to be mothers but would love to be. Let us pray for the mothers who are not such great mothers, that God will touch their heart and heal them of drug addiction or whatever may be plaguing them, so they can truly be connected to their kids and enjoy the joys of motherhood.

If Sunday comes and it does not unfold like it did in your dreams, be thankful anyway. Be thankful for life, for love and for the kids God has blessed you with or that are on the way!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

Please Click here for the post on FREE 500 Business Cards Giveaway sponsored by UPrinting.com

UPrinting.com Business Cards Giveaway

2010-05-07T09:03:00.005-04:00

We are having a Business Cards Giveaway sponsored by UPrinting.com. I will be awarded the same prize as the winner of the Giveaway!

GIVEAWAY PRIZE:

500 Business Cards for One (1) Winner
Sizes: 2 x 3.5”, 2 x 3”, 2 x 2” (square card) or 1.5 x 3.5” (slim card)
Paper: 14 pt gloss cardstock, 14 pt matte cardstock or 13 pt recycled uncoated cardstock
Specifications: Full Color Both Sides; Offset Press; 3 Business Day Printing
Shipping: FREE UPS Ground Shipping
Eligibility: Limited to US Residents only

GIVEAWAY RULES:
The Giveaway Prize will be awarded to the person who answers the most questions correctly in the next 1 week about The Only Way is Up and the author Folake Taylor between now and May 13th 2010. Prize will be awarded May 15th 2010.

A question will be added to this post everyday. If there is a tie at the end of the period, there will be a tie-braker question. Thank you in advance for participating.

THANK YOU UPRINTING.COM for this Giveaway!

Day 1 Question: What is the number of pages in the print version of the revised edition of The Only Way is Up?
Day 2 Question: What is the cost price of the Kindle version of The Only Way is Up?
Day 3 Question: What USA metropolis do I reside in?
Day 4 Question: What is my profession; my day job?
Day 5 Question: What is the cost price of the print version of The Only Way is Up?
Day 6 Question: When was the first edition of The Only way is Up published?
Day 7 Question: When was the second edition of The Only Way is Up published?

HINT HINT...answers on amazon.com or http://www.theonlywayisup.net/

**Please answer the question on the blog itself. If you are viewing this on facebook, you can click on "View Original Post" at the bottom of the post. Remember, if you are anonymous, I cannot locate you for the prize if you don't add your email address in your response!**

Friendship Revisited: Taking Stock!

2010-05-05T10:54:00.001-04:00

DISCLAIMER: This is not pertaining to any particular human being. It is an overview people...

Let me start by saying friendship is a very beautiful thing. For people like me who have no blood sister, great friends become like sisters to me, or even brothers. Friends make you laugh and friends make you smile. Friends love you for you and friends make you feel good about yourself. Friends do not expect you to be perfect and friends will fight for you and on your behalf. Friends keep you company and friends always show up. Friends forgive wrong and friends help you be a better person. Those are just a few of the great things I think of when I think of true friendship.

But we sometimes overuse the term friendship. Nobody wants to say someone is an acquaintance so we call them friends. Nobody wants to accept that even though someone was a very good friend at some point, the relationship has changed somewhat for whatever reason. And nobody wants to say someone is a co-worker or really the friend of a friend. We instead label them friends too. If we start by re-organizing our labels, it may help make our expectations more realistic and how much of ourselves we divulge to avoid future hurt.

Some people are in your life for a REASON, some for a SEASON and some for a LIFETIME. It helps me keep things in perspective when I remind myself of this saying. When friendship does unfortunately go wrong, realization of this fact helps us understand that it is not abnormal that this can sometimes happen. And it's alright to let it go as long as you don't become evil in the process and do things you'll need to be sorry for, both to the person and to God. "Be angry but do not sin; Do not let the sun go down on your anger..." Ephesians 4:26. It truly is easier said than done however but we should try and keep things in perspective even if there is an arguement and not just a drifting apart.

Recently I had to take stock of friendship on the whole, emotionally and socially. As we grow older, we continue to learn. It's a dynamic process. It's a daily process. And we should also open ourselves up to change. If a new situation or challenge presents itself, go with the flow; get with the program to fix it or adjust to the change depending on what the situation demands. Also, learn from it. In addition to the following pearls I came up with while taking stock, less talking is always a winner! When there is strife, stop engaging the person in conversation, period. Who knows what could happen if you don't stop talking?

1) As you grow, everyone in your life is not going to grow with you or in the same direction so you may automatically grow apart. It's much like some marriages unfortunately. If you don't pay attention to the warning signs, it may shock you when it blows up but hey, "It is what it is!"

2) As God elevates you, some of the people you always thought you could count on will shock you by turning their back on you. They may not know how to get you out of the little box they've always had you in mentally! Then they'll convince themselves you are fake or misrepresenting yourself rather than realize they hadn't been paying attention. It could be various reasons. They may just not agree with your apparently new visions or philosophy. They may be envious of your success and cannot adjust to you not being the underdog in their mind. They may misunderstand you. They may feel insecure. They may think they know you so well and be stuck in twenty years ago instead of rediscovering you as you have rediscovered yourself. Every situation is not the same and it's not every situation that can be fixed. It may just be time to move on.

3) You should actively pick your friends and not passively let friendships happen. Much the same as a lady would process dating prospects in her mind and have a written or unwritten criteria, one should have one for friends too. Though sentimentally one wants to stay friends with childhood or long-term friends, the reality of it is if you are not in the same place, space and time anymore, you may need to redefine the relationship, keep a comfortable distance or even weed some bad eggs out.

4) You should not befriend everyone who tries to befriend you because it can come back to bite you in the rare! I have a good and a bad habit with regard to how I make friends. The good part is that I am careful and slow to make friends and I don't make too many friends because of a morbid and real fear of hurt based on past experiences. I get me; I am unique but some other do not get me and instead may think I'm weird. That's fine but they shouldn't be my friends if that's what they think of me! I cherish friendship; I think it is sacred and special and I consider my few core friends my sisters for reasons previously mentioned. I don't take it lightly. The bad habit on the contrary concerning how I make friends is that when someone actively tries to befriend me, I am not as careful. I let their apparent niceness cloud my judgment instead of making sure we have the same value system and enough of our core in common. It's those issues that usually come back and bite me in the rare unfortunately. My university days were a period in which I made a lot of friends because they chose me and not because I necessarily chose them and I'm still getting fall-outs from it unfortunately.

5) Get rid of dead weight in your life. When people who have whole converstaions with you that leave you feeling sour, empty or drained because it was all about strife with someone or the other and proving how tough and difficult they are; or a lot of negativity always ensues, maybe even gossip, they are not the best for you. People who do almost all the talking, never listen and keep jumping from one topic to the other should make you uncomfortable. If this kind of energy dominates the conversations or most of the picture, and it bothers you or it interferes with where you are in your life, you don't need it. It may be wise to put some distance to the relationship or just nicely let the person know you don't really want to talk about those things. That's easier said than done however, especially if you unfortunately get drawn into the negativity of the moment yourself. That little bit of honesty may just trigger them to get nasty too so that may not always work.

6) Unless you are loud and verbally abusive yourself, do not make friends with such women (I say that because mostly women get that way or at least we hope!). It's only a matter of time, they will do it to you too. When it happens, you will feel like you're in a movie or a freak show. I promise you. And you will have to check yourself and your ability to judge character and all that. But don't be too hard on yourself. People do change and they may not be the same person they were years ago anymore and not in a good way. Or they may have just refused to grow and it's getting quite old staying in high school mode. Vindictive, unforgiving people need to be avoided. They always cause trouble.

7) Join yourself to people who have substance, depth and are bearing fruit and not people who constantly engage in strife, put people down, are prideful and feel they are better than others and just generally make too much noise. Empty barrels? In Nigeria the saying goes: "Empty barrels make the most noise." Here's what I say to that: "If you do not bare fruit, I will spew you out of my mouth!"

8) You should let impossible people have the last word so you don't start to look like them yourself. Instead of responding like this when they call you names or go off on you:

"You coniving vicious little two-faced *%$#^!" (a quote from some place I can't remember!)

You can respond like this instead:

"God bless you too!"

(In your mind better still so as not to elicit a response because you know they won't leave it down. They have to respond. That would be a WWJD (What would Jesus do) answer. Jesus does not like ugly so rather than be ugly, keep it moving.) Note that people will say anything to you to hurt you and make themselves feel better. It's ok. They expect a comeback and they feel stupid when you are instead silent. Abrasive confrontational behavior is unbecoming of grown folk. Do not be caught up in it. Respect yourself.

9) Get far away from people who are verbally abusive on facebook; people who literally explode if your view differs from theirs! They are unstable people and will ultimately make you a target someday. Some people do not have a frank psychiatric disorder but they may have Borderline Personality Disorder (an actualy medical diagnosis) that causes them to split and see people as all good or all bad at different times with extreme reactions either way. I can't be your hero this week and villain the next. I'd rather just be me. (Borderline personality disorder (DSM-IV code 301.83): extreme "black and white" thinking, instability in relationships, self-image, identity and behavior.)

10) Re-evaluate friendships and relationships. If you haven't physically seen or been around someone in a long time, do not ignore subtleties in conversations that you pick up on and question transiently. That may just be the key that you are on different wavelengths. For example, it may even be an obvious reference to something or several things that show they have no idea who you are presently or what you stand for. Maybe they never even took the time to understand you. That is unhealthy.

11) Nobody is all good or all bad. Do not be sucked into that need to be right or let hatred germinate and grow in your heart. Attribute it to ignorance on their part. The fact that you no longer get along with them does not make them bad; just not a right fit for you. You can even remind yourself of some of their good qualities if it helps you keep your perspective. They hopefully have some good qualities. It's ok to be the bigger person.

12) Beware of people who think they are doing you a favor being your friend or the friendship is based on some kind of pity, the word think being the operative term here. It's their perception that makes the difference. It is not wrong to have friends who have more than you. Economic advantage never makes another person better than you however. It is always hard for such people to adjust to not seeing you as that needy person they perceived you as, even though you may never have been needy in that sense of it; it may just have been where you were in your life then. It usually ends badly though. Pay attention.

13) Do make sure you learn from every situation. That's what life experiences are. Whatever the lesson is in each situation, you need to get to a place where you get that lesson from it. Apparent disappointments
initially will turn out to be major blessings. Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. Would you really not have wanted to know if that person thought all those awful things about you but pretended to be your friend all this while? The truth sets us free. Nobody needs a friend in their life who does not think the world of them. Seriously! Life is too short.

14) Remember it is never about the quantity of friends one amasses. It's always about the quality of them. If you have 2 friends and they are like sisters and tried and true, that will do you more good than fifty back-biting, roudy, superficial, materilistic, 2-faced friends anyday!

15) Forgive. Pure and simple. If you don't forgive, you're not any better than the other person. WWJD?

Most importantly, love yourself and be comfortable with yourself because you spend the most time with you! So people, your friendship is sacred, it is special, it should not be given or taken lightly! Let's try to remember that. Friendship is a wonderful thing but when it becomes stressful and high maintenance for you psychologically, it may be time to move on. Unlike marriage, there is no vow or covenant that it must work. It may be better for it not to work...

**I in no way subscribe to malice. You need to make sure the soon to be ex-friend knows you wish them well and God's blessing's still, regardless.**

Like cousin Barack, negativity just has to roll off of me like a bad thing!

1 Thessalonians 4: 11
"Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you..."

Who knew that was in the bible? Ha. Channel your energy elsewhere when it gets confrontational. I write and it's therapeutic! Volunteering is always very rewarding as well. Or just work hard too. Lol. I try to do that as well.

Hebrews 12: 1
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."

"I do not have a single day of my life to waste on your baggage."
Pastor David Cooper Mt Paran Church Atlanta GA. That should be your attitude to naysayers.

Yes, so let us concentrate on the friends that understand us, love us and accept us for exactly who we are even as we grow and let the rest of it go. Let us concentrate on what is important and leave the rest to sort themselves out. Biko!

PEACE...

Folake, forever keeping it real.

The Accuser

2010-05-02T17:10:00.000-04:00

I probably knew this at some point in my life but I had forgotten. Today, my pastor reminded me that the word Satan means "the accuser". And it suddenly made sense. The devil will not come with horns, wearing a red and black outfit and spitting fire! He will use people to push your buttons, including accusing you of sins you have forgotten; sins you have been forgiven for. You need to rebuke the devil so he will flee from you.

The devil will attack us and try to bring us down when God is ready to blow us up. Are we going to let him? Guilt is not of the Lord. Counseling, therapy etc may help but cannot take away guilt. Only Jesus can. And once you are forgiven and you forget, nobody can condemn you or continue to make you feel guilty. I will not give up. I am not perfect and I never present myself as such but will continue to try my best each day. It is a daily walk and a daily struggle. We shall overcome.

AMEN Pastor David Cooper of Mt Paran Church Atlanta GA. He said and I quote: "God will forgive your sins but people never will." It is what it is. Get over it. Get back on your feet in victory and keep going people.

May God help us all to forgive, forget and not judge people, consciously or subconsciously. Please view today's sermon notes here: http://sermonnotes.mountparan.com/

God bless you.

Folake.

Your Beginnings Do NOT Determine Your Destination

2010-05-02T00:47:00.000-04:00

I saw The Blind Side tonight, and it moved me to tears. I did not know it was a true story from this age. It's not remote at all. If you have not seen it, I implore you to do so. It restores and re-affirms my faith in the basic goodness of human beings. Good does exist. And God is good.

It further challenges me to make a difference in this world. We need to make a mark. It could be as little as buying someone a meal and clothing someone or as major as putting a roof over someone's head or adopting a child.

Where you were does not determine where you are going or what you can be. We see it over and over. And I just hope and pray there will be many more people with this kind of story.

If you haven't seen it, please watch The Blind Side: the story of an African American man born to a drug addict mother. It features Michael Oher's journey from the Streets of Memphis TN to becoming a member of a Caucasian family and then on to pro football. He was drafted in 2009. Google him for the real life pictures of him and his family. Amazing.

Once again I can only say God is good.

Goodnight y'all.

Folake.

Revised Edition of "The Only Way is Up"!

2010-04-13T09:56:00.003-04:00

It has arrived! The Only Way is Up Revised, Updated Cover, New and Improved!!!
ISBN 9780982667200
Publisher Arrabon Publishing Atlanta GA
Trade Paperback 240 pages 6" X 9"
Ingram Distribution
CS Distribution and Expanded Distribution
Amazon.com
My website
Your Local Bookstore...

Please pick up your copy today.

Folake.

Can You Help Someone Through Something You Have Not Experienced? Can You Help Change The World Regardless?

2010-03-24T15:06:00.001-04:00

This issue came up recently while reading through my first non-favorable review so far for The Only Way is Up. While I can take criticism and I am well aware that reviewers are human and we all have diverse opinions, I could not help but feel like I was being told I could not help people live better lives because I was not born poor and impoverished; my story/message is possibly not relevant because it is not a rags to riches story. That could not be farther from the truth. It's like saying Sanaa Lathan has not had any real challenges in her acting career or her life because she was born into the industry and she went to Harvard. I bet she would probably prove otherwise if you cared to listen. I didn't just compare myself to the beautiful Sanna Lathan...just an analogy...Funny!

This is one of the issues I definitely was aware of taking on this project and I actually alluded to it in my introduction. My standpoint has always been that even though I do not have an example of being sexually abused or raped in childhood by my family members or otherwise, I do not have friends who have been locked up for years and years and neither do I have friends that were killed in their teens at a train station or from gang violence, I can still make an impact in this world and be there for those who are dealing with those problems. I am not stereotyping here or saying such could not happen in Nigeria. It is just not as widespread as in the US. (These of course do happen almost as much in the UK also being a developed country with much of the same problems leading up to this trend.) I also know people who grew up in the US exactly like I did with stability and love at home and the provision of basic needs. I watch TV and listen to the radio everyday and it breaks my heart to see and hear all this evil going on around me.

Thankfully, I have had so much positive feedback about The Only Way is Up from all races and both sexes as well as different agegroups that I cannot let this stop me. It is in a sense my way of giving back to a country that has embraced me and allowed me to succeed and prosper. I really do love the United States of America.

The review also questions who my audience is. My answer to that is anyone who wants to improve on themselves. It does not matter where you have been or what mistakes you have made. You can still live a better life if desired and you can especially impact that of your childen early so as not to make the same mistakes. I touch on my childhood to paint a picture of an alternate way of life and the results that are achieved from that way. All I really try to communicate is a change in attitude and mindset that regardless of where you are in life, you can be better. And I am thankful I am having that effect on teenagers, middle aged women, grown men, etc. I know my effort is not in vain. And I am very thankful to those who have and are still supporting me on this project.

With regard to my direct approach, the truth can often be hard to swallow or hear. But how does one sugar-coat the kind of issues I address in my book such as the lack of the intact family, teenage pegnancy, a general social decline, obesity and single parenthood? There is no sitting on the fence for such issues. And I'll take it if the attitude is "How dare this foreign person come to the US to tell us what to do?" I just refuse to be quiet however.

One other interesting point that I know is this: If foreigners can come to the US and succeed, so can Americans. It's not an assumption. It is fact. People just need to change their thinking and sense of entitlement where they are looking to someone else to do for them; they need to take ownership. They need information. And I have seen people do it who have no education or who needed to go back to school or train to be educated in a field that was marketable here. I have seen immigrants work as mechanics, store owners, go to nursing school, work as hairdressers, etc. The fact that I am an MD does not change the principle. If I wasn't an MD, I'd still be successful at something else in this country, probably real estate related methinks!

I was at a mentoring event last night sponsored by Michael Baisden and co. It was amazing and he had the same message. "The president is doing his job. What are you doing?" He's not going to come to your house and ensure your kids stay in school. You need to do that; and the community. He actually started off with this statement: "Ladies, you may not need a man, but your kids sure do!" So, maybe my audience are the people who listen to the Michael Baisden Show or the Frank and Wanda Morning Show. Just maybe! (Funny)

With regard to travel, I also do not assume it is easy or cheap to do this. But for those people who can afford it and do have the means but just think they have nothing to see outside of their great country, I just urge that they try it. It is always life changing. I promise you. Once again I bring up the Frank Ski Kids Foundation and the trips to the amazon, etc for these kids. I had a previous post about this which you can peruse at your pleasure.

About my exact timelines in the UK and Nigeria, that will have to come in my biography which this is not. Maybe I'll get to that someday...Just maybe! I might experiment with fiction next however.

The review also alluded to the fact that I painted the picture of a happy childhood despite having no electricity. Now, what really makes a happy child? It is amazing how happy a child can be with love despite lacking a lot of things we adults would even consider as needs. Those moments I spent sitting on the porch with my father under the moonlight listening to his stories or folk-tales (we called these alo), or howling at the moon were some of my best memories of my childhood and frankly speaking, my life. And to think that it was borne out of a lack of something! And even though video and TV games existed then, we never had any while I grew up. Sometimes technology can be almost like a curse or a distraction to actual human connection. Definitely the computer is. So, I can say most definitely that I was a very happy child. It sure beats losing friends and family members to drugs and the streets anyday (thoughts of which absolutely break my heart). Once again, not stereotyping but for those who are not aware, Nigerians are often described as the happiest people in the world. We let nothing stop us. We keep going and going and going despite any challenges. And if you have seen Nigerians party, you will agree with me we are some happy people. And as much as I hate to admit it because I live in the US, people who live in Nigeria even with petrol (fuel) scarcity and no constant electricity somehow manage or seem to be happier and more fulfilled than most of us who live in developed countries. I still haven't figured out exactly how but it just is. That is food for thought. We may really have it all wrong about what's really important to fulfilment in life.

I will never let go of my belief that one person at a time, one good deed at a time, we can change the world. It all starts in our little corner. What are you doing in your corner? Let's do it. YES WE CAN!

PEACE.

Happy Mothers Day! If I had My Life To Live Over...

2010-03-14T16:21:00.002-04:00

Happy Mother's day to all my mothers who devote their lives to serving their kids, packing lunches, doing laundry, staying up at night with a sick child and what have you. And even though it may be hard to do this, please try and stop to smell the roses every now and again because before we know it, poof, it's all gone!

I read an interesting article in a local paper this morning that I will like to share with you:

If I Had My Life To Live Over by Erma Bombeck

The following was written by the late Erma Bombeck after she found out she had a fatal disease.

If I had my life to live over, I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television - and more while watching life.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."

There would have been more "I love you's".. More "I'm sorrys" ...

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute... look at it and really see it ... live it...and never give it back.

© Erma Bombeck

My dear sisters and everybody else, my message today is this: PLEASE STOP AND SMELL THE ROSES EVERY NOW AND AGAIN!

Have a blast of a week.

Folake.

Weight: The Big Elephant in the Room...

2010-03-08T19:18:00.003-05:00

Now, why will I go and put my foot in my mouth and talk about weight? Let me start off by clarifying that skinny does not equal beautiful by any means. Now that we have cleared that up, are we so scared of offending our friends and loved ones that we possibly cannot talk about weight issues though? I was in this situation recently and while not being mean or insensitive, consciously sticking to purely medical facts and steering away from words such as 'beauty' and 'pretty' and 'attractive' which are purely subjective, I managed to make my point. But should it be so hard?

There was a debate on the wall of one of my facebook friends sparked by a comment on Oscar night about how Gabourey Sidibe (from Precious) needed to shed a few pounds. And while it was probably not the time to talk about that since it was a day for her to be celebrated even though she did not win the Oscar, I had to stay true to myself and my belief and the MD in me on my stance about weight and health.

Unfortunately, it appeared that the media had really flogged that storyline recently, unbeknown to me since I have too busy to watch much TV lately! I in no way subscribe to the brutal way the media tears people apart...I just happen to be an MD. In the US, being an MD means you constantly have to deal with weight issues on a daily basis with patients, even if God blessed you with the metabolism of a child! (Wishful thinking.)

Patients come to me all day long and swear up and down that they have tried everything to lose weight and it hasn't worked. Yet upon further questioning, these same people drink sodas everyday, sugar-laden juice, eat out at fast food restaurants regularly, cannot get enough sweet tea to drink, etc. So who are you really fooling? While there truly are people who have tried everything with no result, they are not as many as the people who claim that to be the problem. And for such, there is the option of weight loss medicine to jump-start the weight loss and even possibly bariartric intervention. But ultimately, the only measure that is going to keep the weight off is a lifestyle change. There is no quick fix to losing weight. Sorry, no short cuts here!

Having recently lost a considerable amount of weight myself (approximately 35 pounds=a 50 point drop in total cholesterol) and able to maintain it by day to day discipline, I know it is possible. It is not easy but if you are motivated, and you do not have endocrine problems such as thyroid disorder or mental health issues such as depression which make you eat for comfort, it can be done. You just need to put your heart to it. And if you have those problems, please do get medical help as it just goes downhill from there otherwise.

If your motivation for weight loss is purely to look good or better and be acceptable to people, then we need to work on your self esteem. Hit me up on that...lol. But if you are doing it to be healthy and to avoid hypertension, high cholesterol, diabetes, obtructive sleep apnea, obesity hypoventialtion syndrome, early arthritis, etc, then you are on the right track.

I do not subscribe to any fancy diet. I would rather take a few tips here and there from several diet programs if need be (you can walk into Borders and read parts of these books!). But if you pay attention to your body, you can figure out what makes you add weight or not. Eat your fruits and vegetables; drink water, smoothies and 100% juices from the refrigerator and not the isles; eat whole grain; cut back on dairy and definitely not whole milk and the likes and if you can, exercise. Eat small frequest meals 3 to 5 times a day is what I recommend or 3 meals and 2 snacks. Snacks should be a banana or an apple and not cookies and the likes preferably. Remember, the 300 calorioes you burn on a treadmill does not give you the license to stop by starbucks on your way back home to eat a muffin and some coffee with more calories in it than you just burned. And if you cannot exercise (most women!), you'd better work on what goes in you because as long as you take in more or equal to what you are able to burn daily, there will be no weight loss.

As a Christian, I am a firm believer that watching what goes into our bodies is part of treating our bodies like the temple of the Lord!

I have a chapter on Nutrition, Exercise, Weight and Health in my book The Only Way is Up. Pick up your copy today!

Please leave your comments and feel free to disagree with me.

A Blurring of the Distinction Between Marriage and "Everything Else"

2010-03-04T20:04:00.000-05:00

We are in an age where people treat relationships like marriage and marriage like relationships. By relationships I mean dating or even being engaged: Basically anything before the marriage vow. Is this distinction blurred secondary to an epidemic of co-habiting and our so called modernized attitude to everything? I wonder. Values have become old fashioned. In a relationship where you have not made that legal commitment and that covenant between both parties in front of God and man, certain issues should be deal breakers such as domestic violence. If we are doing things the right way which unfortunately we often are not, the issue of infidelity should not even come up in relationships. It should only be a concept in a marriage gone wrong!

I notice especially on the radio that when people give relationship advice nowadays, the advice for marriage and dating is often the same. It makes me wonder if I am the only person that thinks different rules often apply and both cases are not the same.

Certain things happening in a relationship is your chance to walk away from a life of turmoil with this person. On the contrary, in marriage, I believe almost every situation should be worked out or at least an attempt made to honor that vow no matter what. We do forget the part where we said, “For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.” If it’s no longer good, we want to run.

The other day on the radio, a lady had called in with doubts about marrying this man who she had been with for 5 years and they had 3 kids together! It sounded to me like that was not the right order of things and she was in a pickle right there...

What I see more often than not is this confused state where we are working too hard at relationships and not hard enough at marriage. I ask myself, “Is it just me?”

Please leave your comments. Thank you.

Folake.

Stalking, Checking Your Partner's Voicemails and Emails, Snooping Around-All Signs of Low Self Esteem...

2010-03-02T09:40:00.003-05:00

(Inspired by Frank Ski!)

Same as calling someone 20 times in a row! Even going through their phone for address book details and texts falls in this category. At most call twice and send 1 txt or IM. No more! Believe me, they got at least one of those. They're just ignoring you or legitimately busy in a meeting. Repeated calling etc chips away at your self esteem and gives the other power over you.

I can't vouch that I have never done some of these but I can vouch it will never happen again...And those were situations I didn't need to be in or I knew in my heart I needed to get out of. None of those situations has ever had a good outcome I can categorically say!!! Walk away with your self esteem intact please.

This came up on the Frank and Wanda Morning Show today and Frank echoed my attitude to this issue. I may frequently refer to radio shows I listen to just because I drive 3 hours daily!!!

If this person you are involved with cannot earn your trust, please leave, but with your self esteem intact.

If you are married to this person, because I am a Christian and I believe we should work hard at staying together, I will advise that you pray real hard about the situation, hold on to your self esteem and if the person is up to something, God will reveal it. Then you can deal with it and have the upper hand. When you come from the angle of having snooped around to find the information, they get on the defensive, angry and claim they did whatever anyway because they sensed your lack of trust and you end up having to first apologize for snooping.

Stay on your level and keep the upper hand. It's the better place to be!

What are your thoughts? Have a good day.

Folake.

Can We Survive Without Our Household Gadgets?

2010-02-27T08:15:00.001-05:00

This week, my dishwasher broke. My first thought was, "NOOOOOOOO!" But then I took a minute and thought about it. I realized it wasn't the end of the world at all. I am one of those people who it took a long time to even get dependent on the dishwasher in the first place. I always did my dishes by hand when I was single because unless I had house guests, I didn't really have enough dishes to load a dishwasher anyway without creating an unhealthy environment holding on to dirty dishes! It became so miniscule really that I forgot to even mention to my husband that the dishwasher broke till two days after I noticed it.

It got me thinking however. As I did the dishes by hand last night, I thought to myself, "If my daughter was a teeneger and this was her chore, would she be able to switch it up and just do the dishes by hand?" Then I started to ask myself questions like: "Will I be teaching her how to do a lot of dishes by hand like I was taught just so she knows how even though we have become somewhat dependent on the dishwasher nowadays?" I also asked myself this: "Will I be teaching her how to wash clothes by hand like I was taught or will it all be the washer and dryer?" "If the washer broke, would it be fair to just go to the laundromat and pay for it or a drycleaners as opposed to learning how to wash clothes by hand?"

I decided I would definitely teach her to do dishes by hand but I was torn on the issue of washing clothes by hand though. The dilema here in my mind (it's really all in my mind because this child is two years old!) is this: Where is the balance between preparing them to survive in the world on their own and being well equiped for it and going overboard and taking them back to the dark ages?

I have a lot more examples having been raised partly in Nigeria. We used to sweep manually, even the carpet! We had special brooms that would sweep the carpet or rug well if you didn't want to use the Hoover/ vacuum cleaner.

We even had alternatived to a blender back then in the form of little rock slabs and oval rocks to grind stuff like pepper with. I never got the hang of that one though due to my carpal tunnel syndrome in both wrists!

So, what do you think people? Where do we cross over from wanting to raise responsible kids to just plain taking the fun out of life in this century by taking them way back to the dark ages.

Please comment. I am really pondering on this.

Enjoy your weekend.

Folake.

And the winner is...

2010-02-26T23:20:00.000-05:00

Well, well, well. This is the last week of the free book giveaway on this blog for now. As you may know, for the last three weeks, there has been a contest in honor of Black History Month for a free copy of The Only Way is Up.
This week, the winner is Fashion Hendricks, Director/Project Coordinator of the Frank Ski Kids Foundation. All of our comments this week have been anonymous incidentally. One person included their first name in the post but only Ms. Hendricks added her last name. I figure it should not be too hard to locate her to claim her free book!

I hope you all had a great week and I wish you a restful weekend.

Peace.

Folake.

Travel-A Form of Education

2010-02-25T21:48:00.002-05:00

My English teacher at St Saviours on Old Kent Road in London (Mrs. Leach) used to always say to me: "There is nothing like a well traveled young person!" She believed in me. She made me take my English GCSE 1 year early (High School diploma equivalent) which was a year early for my class but 2 years early for my age, 14 at the time. I passed!

As I talk about in my book The Only Way is Up, global travel is part of education and growth as a person. I know several people who get it. Frank Ski took the boys and girls of the Frank Ski Kids Foundation to the Galapagos Islands, the Amazon and Italy in the last few years. These kids' lives never remained the same.

The Frank and Wanda Morning Show have gone to South Africa, China, Mexico and Dubai with the adults on their Winter trip also over the last 4 years.

As shown on CNN last year, Mallak Compton-Rock, Chris Rock's wife has taken the kids from the Bushwick Salvation Army Community Center in Brooklyn under her wings. She has not only taken them to dinners, movies and college tours but she has traveled with these kids to South Africa, New Orleans and DC. Some of these kids have gone from feeling sorry for themselves and their lives in the projects to being thankful they have a school to go to, unlike some of the kids they saw during their travels. You could tell a child these stories all day long and they would not get it quite the same but when you see it, the impact is different.

It was easy to see what Principal Steve Perry was doing with the kids in Hartford Connecticut when both stories were featured in Black in America 2. We get conventional education. And while everyone applauded the principal for his efforts and many felt Mallak's effort were minuscule at best in comparism, I held a different view because travel is extremely important as well. She focused on non-conventional education but nonetheless, necessary in addition to structured learning in school. I thought they both did a phenomenal job and both approaches were necessary.

Why not just send them to Disney and be done? Because these people get it! If you don't get it, I challenge you to try it with your kids. It sends a strong positive non-verbal motivational message that gets kids fired up to work hard at school and succeed in life. This approach makes them grow up. It makes them stop taking for granted and appreciating instead. They go from being mediocre to wanting to excel. I challenge you to try it...

What are your thoughts on this issue? Please leave a comment. Thank you.

Folake.

Author Exposure: Book Review: The Only Way is Up

2010-02-23T11:22:00.002-05:00

Author Exposure: Book Review: The Only Way is Up

Please click here for other Professional Reviews from Apex Reviews and Midwest Book Review...

It's a great week!

Thank you.

Folake.

Too Much Too Soon

2010-02-22T23:08:00.001-05:00

A friend of mine had a question for me about a certain part of The Only Way is Up in the chapter for single ladies very early this morning. It got me thinking. I'll share the quote first:

“For one of my friends, she always seemed to literally fall in love too fast. It was always like falling off the edge of a cliff for her. And somehow, this seemed to scare the men away. She just could not learn how to slow it down just a little and let the man even attempt to catch up with her. If the man lived out of town, she was getting on a plane to go visiting or driving down all the time to see this man who was not making the same effort. She blocked all other avenues of meeting or talking to any other man once this person that she liked started to show the slightest interest. She started to plan her life around the man very early. The man would then give up and move on. She was doing things that would be perfect if the man had committed and they were engaged but this was even before the man knew which way he was going.”

I had to read it over and it got me thinking. Many women have been guilty of this at some point in their lives. We get all wrapped up too early in a relationship and somehow we think the more we do, the more the man will like us and want to be with us. Being the strange creatures that men are, they draw back and get suspicious instead and may even run. My conclusion is that you should give of yourself in small doses even as he is giving of himself. If he is holding back, he is either not into you or he is not there yet and you should hold back a little too. If it doesn't work, your dignity and pride will at least be intact.
A man staying with you and falling in love with you is a combination of some intricate things that only men seem to understand but trying to force it or do too much too soon does not help.
Finding the right balance is the challenge however. Some women hold back too much and come across as not caring at all. This also does not work because men still do want TLC!
What are your thoughts? Please leave a comment.
Thank you.

Folake.

Free Book Giveaway!

2010-02-22T14:41:00.000-05:00

Another winner for the Free Book Giveaway will be chosen this Friday, February 26th 2010. Get active on this blog to be entered to win a free copy of The Only Way is Up...

Have a wonderful week.

Folake.

Is Mr. Mom Alright with Mr. Mom?

2010-02-21T11:45:00.004-05:00

Mr Mom! This issues came up in my recent interview with Traci on CTB radio while talking about gender roles and submission to husbands and such. My answer to whether I would have a problem with Mr. Mom was of course that I had no problem with Mr Mom. I do not have a personal experience of this to draw on and I don't know too many Mr Moms either. And let us not forget that keeping house especially when it involves one or two toddlers is a full time job on it's own. But from what we see around and in the media, it appears there are two issues that keep coming up in cases where it does not work:
1) If Mr. mom did not choose to be Mr. Mom and it was a role that was thrust on him because he lost his job and the wife had to become the sole bread winner.
2) Mr. Mom does not keep house well; Mr. Mom became Mr Mom without really thinking it through and realizing exactly what it involved. This is typically someone who has always worked and prefers to work. For example, in the case of Jon and Kate as we saw on TV, she got very busy with other things that involved travelling and he became Mr. Mom after having always worked. He was not typically the most domesticated person around with regard to cooking and cleaning etc.

The cases in which it does work however are these:
1) Mr Mom has always loved to cook, clean and keep the kids.
2) Mr. Mom chose to stay at home. It was not decided for him.
3) Mr. Mom has things he can do from home to keep him fulfilled either on a contract basis or otherwise. For example, in the case of Dean McDermot and Tori Spelling, when she was frequently on the road promoting her book and he was home with Liam, he would do Voice over jobs which he could often do from home.
4) Mr. Mom is not married to Mrs. Boss Lady!

It's amazing how in the case of the McDermots, it worked and in the case of the Gosselins, it didn't. It was a very similar scenario with the wives becoming authors and going on the road a lot. They both had reality TV shows running as well. A glaring difference however was the attitude of the two wives. Tori Spelling clearly respects her husband at all times and Kate Gosseling often disrespected Jon a lot even on TV and was in control of the household almost without his input at times. She was always barking commands at him and she seemed to make most of the decisions. So I think we will all agree that a bossy wife and Mr. Mom do not go together.

One of the common bones of contention according to men is that their wives start to lose respect for them when they become Mr. Mom. It's like they become less than a man. Frankly speaking, in a lot of cultures, a man that does pay the bills is not respected. That is not necessarily right but we see it. The women on the other hand complain that this lack of respect comes from the fact that they get home after a ten hour work day and they have to do a lot of the chores the man could have done while he was home all day. It feels like it did when they both worked except that the woman is now working twice as hard at work but still as hard at home! This came up on the Dr Phil show that I dedicated an earlier post to and one of the excuses was that men are not as good at keeping house and multi-tasking. Some women have decided the concept of Mr. Mom does not work for this reason.

There is also the case in which the Mr. Mom arrangement was supposed to be temporary while he looked for another job but somehow, he does not appear to actively looking anymore. He is always on the video game or social networking sites nowadays and they don't even have any kids so he really is not required to be home!

Another issues is the fact that many men do not feel accomplished if they are not working and making money as the bread-winner to care for their family. They feel like their manhood has been stripped from them in this situation. It may not be necessarily true but it is a very common attitude. This often leads to resentment not only of the situation but of their spouse and even depression eventually.

Some of the same scenarios spill over into situations where even though both parties work, there is such a disparity in their incomes with the woman having the capacity to and making sometimes multiples of what the husband makes. We will have to make this a separate discussion, I guess...

So while I personally do not think it is impossible to make a Mr. Mom situation work, the real question for me would be this: "Is Mr. Mom alright with Mr. Mom?

These are just little observations on my part. What do you think? Please share your views. Feel free to be anonymous if you will be able to express yourself better that way.

Have a blessed week.

Folake.

PS: Future discussions will be about wives submitting (or not) to husbands as well as the woman being the breadwinner...

Notable Mention!

2010-02-20T18:56:00.001-05:00

We (The Only Way is Up and yours truly) were featured on the Author Exposure website on Wednesday February 17th. Please click here to access the link for the AE Book Club piece. Thank you Traci. You rock!

Thanks.

Folake.

PS: Had another Borders Book Signing today and it was successful like all the others; 4 so far. God is good. For details and pics please visit the Event tab of the main website for The Only Way is Up.

And the winner is...

2010-02-19T23:38:00.000-05:00

Well, well, well. We have come to the end of the second week of the Free Book Giveaway. This week's copy of The Only Way is Up will go to...Mr. Anonymous! Mr. Anonymous had the most comments and made the most contributions to this blog this week. Now if he wants to claim this book, or if they want to claim this book (it appears to be at least 2 guys...lol), they can claim it by sending an email to FT@theonlywayisup.net. I will promptly mail them the book. Sounds fair eh?

Have a lovely weekend folks.

Folake.

Dr Phil: Sugar Mamas and Smart Women! (February 17th)

2010-02-19T20:10:00.003-05:00

I never watch Dr Phil. I didn't know what channel he came on or what time he came on. But I happened to turn the TV on this Wednesday evening after a day off of running erands, my radio interview etc. The first person I recognized on stage was the millionaire matchmaker who has been looking really good lately and has had the best of advice in all the interviews I have seen her in recently. I always viewed her show as a joke but nowadays, she sounds more like a life coach than an entertainer. I found out she recently got engaged and it all started to make sense. In teaching these girls about men, she had found love. Good for her. The basic principles are the same. It's just much more fun when you love the person. Incidentally, marriages in certain communities have nothing to do with love and more to do with mutual respect and a commitment. These actually statistically work better than countries where it is all about love and not much of anything else. Anyway, I digress.

The topic of the day on Dr. Phil: Sugar Mamas and Smart Women. I had no interest in the Sugar Mama part or so I initially thought but it was just figurative for women who are breadwinners apparently. I caught just the tail end of the discussion but it had me practically on the floor with laughter. Thankfully, most of the trascript is online as well as some clips. I was tempted to purchase the DVD or have them email me the whole transcript till I stumbled on enough of it on their website...I'd called for the price and all actually!

Under the main topic, they talked about When She's the Breadwinner. Some decide this really does not work. They have a clip about women and housework. There's a related article: Parity in Single-Income Families.

Then they talk about how you can be powerful and nurturing at the same time under Smart, Successful ...and Single. Here's a comedian's take on Dating in America! Hilarious!!! The accompanying article is Single and Sick of It?

Here's the part that got me the most: A video of Dr. Phil's producer and her criteria for men. The hilarious part is millionaire matchmaker's comment at the end. She was on the money. That comment made my week really since I'm still talking about it.

I hope you have the chance to read these highlights from the show and the clips. And I hope you are as tickled as I was and more importantly, that somebody learns something from this even amidst the jokes.
Later my people.

Folake.

Communication in Our Relationships is Key!

2010-02-18T10:32:00.002-05:00

It came as a surprise to me in the course of responses to prior posts when I found out that men are complaining about their spouses not communicating with them but rather turning to their friends to find out how to deal with their husbands. I just had this discussion with my nurse who is a very good friend as well. I probably spend more of my waking hours with her on the weekday than I do with my family by the way. But we have never asked eachother for advice about how to deal with our spouses. We talk about ourselves all the time; our familes, our kid(s). But I would never go to her to tell her about my issue with my husband and seek her advice. The very nature of human beings and how we seek to be right makes it such that when we do that, we give a view of the story that favors us. That automatically means the advice I get from such cannot be balanced. We do this to validate ourselves but end up hurting our marriages if we take this kind of advice to heart and act on it. If I am married to the man and I can't figure out how to deal with him, why should my friend?
It is surprising to me also because in my neck of the woods, women tend to talk too much and we have to check ourselves in that regard because men obviously shut down when there is "too much noise" and we don't let them get a word in. It is a revelation to me that men who cheat (and attribute it to their wives pushing them away) as well who believe women cause men to cheat (even though they haven't yet) are saying women do not communicate with them enough and turn to others instead. Where are these women who "keep things inside" and won't let their husband know what bothers them? I don't know any...lol.
The thing is however, neither extreme is good. We need to communicate but with mutual respect and just enough that the other person gets the point but without abuse, belittling them or being rude to them.
Please do not go outside of your marriage to ask people for advice. If it's that bad, get professional counselling from a marriage counsellor or your pastor. Let's keep it in the family.
Comments please...

Men and women need to coexist, not compete: Embrace your God-given role women...

2010-02-17T11:05:00.003-05:00

I am all for women's empowerment and I consider myself a strong black woman but I also believe men and women have different roles and we need to embrace our roles and not fight it. I refuse to be the angry black woman. There's sometimes a thin line between being progressive and successful as a woman and becoming that person that nobody can live with. I discuss this in depth in my book The Only Way is Up.
The way I look at it is this. There can only be one captain of the ship. There is only one president. He is assisted on the one hand by the vice president and on the other by the first lady. But the bulk stops with him and if something goes wrong, he is responsible, because he is the head. In the home, the husband is the head of the home. The wife is his partner standing by his side, not behind him. But when push comes to shove, he is the protector and he is responsible for caring for his family and protecting them. This is regardless of whether the woman works or not. Being a successful strong woman does not preclude us from being a wife and a good one at that. We just need to keep working on that balance.
The word submission in the Bible is met with so much resistance because people think it means subservience but it doesn't. It just refers to the fact that the ship cannot have 2 captains.
What are your thoughts? Feel free to shoot me down; I'm a big girl! Lol.

Immigrants to the US of A!

2010-02-16T22:32:00.001-05:00

Many of us came to the United States from different parts of the world to be part of the American dream. Some people have truly had the experience of the American dream while some others have had such a challenging time that they have had to pack it up and go back home out of frustration. I know quite a few people in my field who did that as a matter of fact; be it the stress of the medical licensing exams or otherwise. But even for those people who have managed to integrate and who are considered successful by any stretch of the imagination, there have been and possibly still are challenges living in America. What are your experiences? What has been the most challenging and what are some of your greatest triumphs as an immigrant to this country? Did you experience any culture shock? What are the specific issues faced raising kids in this environment but with a different value system from what is prevalent in the immediate environment? Please leave comments about your experiences. Thank you.

"Cheating is all down to women..."

2010-02-16T20:18:00.001-05:00

I’m sure you will agree with me that my prior post was not anti-men. But since the men decided to focus on justifying cheating instead of sticking to the topic of divorce as a consequence of cheating, it has become necessary to address this!

Cheating is the fault of the wife; according to feedback I am getting from men! What a load of bull. It’s no wonder men don't stop cheating. Let's get this straight. Cheating is an outward manifestation of a character flaw and lack of control in any human, male or female. It reflects poorly on the cheater. It's a cowardly way out of dealing with issues that come up with most marriages. It's not a unique problem to your marriage I bet but rather than try counseling, communicating or leaving if it's really truly so bad, you cheat and tell yourself she caused it! I've said this before and I'll say it again: “Cheating is a reflection of your upbringing...” For a lot of men, if your father cheated, and you believed it was right or he was your hero, you will too! Even if you believed it was wrong because you felt your mother's pain then, somehow your father must have explained this lie to you and when it became convenient, you bought it. If you have a strong relationship with God that can change but otherwise, it's mostly “Like father like son”. It's just like domestic abuse. Men grow up hating it but then turn around and do the same thing. You can blame the woman all day long for issues in the marriage but it takes two both to break and to fix it. Y'all men might want to think about that...

I get it now. Your mothers never sat you down and said to you, “Son, even though I stayed through all the abuse and the cheating, you must never do that to a woman. I had nowhere to go and I wanted security for you but what your father did all those years was wrong and you must not be like him.”

Men, you may not know this but cheating on your woman or beating up on her makes you a WEAK MAN! You lack impulse control.

My initial post was not even about cheating, it was about alternatives to divorce and the role of forgiveness even in the face of cheating but the men went off on a tangent justifying cheating instead. Now I almost want to bite my tongue and ask all the wives to leave their sorry selves. I am a fair person and I even advocate for men at times but y'all just kill me.

What happened to “For better, for worse; in sickness and in health”? It stops being easy and you bail out. How sorry! It is each partner's duty to figure out the opposite sex and how to make it work with their partners in particular. That is the vow you took when you married the person. If I have sounded angry in this post, it is because the more I thought about it, the more angry I got. For that I apologize. I like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and see each side of the coin and all but I can't see this one. I honestly cannot at this point believe that men that I know can come out and say to me that cheating is the fault of the wife!!!

My heart aches for the women who are going through this and for the women who are married to men who think like this because it is only a matter of time...

Quit lying to yourself. If you cheat, you're a dawg, the scum of the earth and that's all there is to it!

Marriage>Cheating>Divorce!!!

2010-02-15T23:21:00.004-05:00

Why do men cheat? Topic for another day eh! Marriage>Cheating>Divorce…Is that the normal order of things? Is that the only expected outcome? If there is cheating, there has to be a divorce? The day after the Tiger Woods story broke, Larry King interviewed Joel Osteen who as usual had the most amazing comment about forgiveness and restoration and it was quite humbling to hear in the face of all the media frenzy and the noise on the airwaves.
I have some celebrity examples: On one end of the spectrum we have Hilary and Bill. “I did not have sex with that woman.” Lol. We have Elin and Tiger of course. Then we have John and Elizabeth Edwards as well as Jenny and Governor Mark Sanford (Mark Sanford who had “Met his soulmate”, he told the world). Then we also have the ex-governor of NJ James McGreevey and Dina Matos (he did not give his wife a chance to stay because he was gay!) Then we have the ex-governor of NY Eliot Spitzer and wife Silda Wall Spitzer? Need I go on? Sadly enough, these are not the first couples to go through this and they definitely will not be the last. One would think people would actually learn from these public examples but apparently not. It keeps happening. It doesn't help that the media blows it up and we have a fascination for negative outcomes so to speak. People applaud when there's an ensuing divorce. What's your point of view? And what would Jesus want us all to do-those affected and those watching? Please leave a comment. We would love to hear your opinion.
Please feel free to attack me! All comments are truly welcome. I understand this is a very sensitive and controversial topic and there is no one-size-fits-all kind of answer....

And the winner is...

2010-02-12T23:23:00.000-05:00

The winner of a free copy of The Only Way is Up is Tiffany! Tiffany and Traci actually had a tie for the win but Traci conceeded as she has the book. Incidentally, so does Tiffany. We'll see what she wants to do with the new copy...lol. I can guess who she might want to give it to....Tiffany without a doubt is one of my biggest fans.
I love the contributions from Anonymous. I wish I knew who it was though or if it's the same person. If Anonymous wins the contest (they were runner up this time), what do I do with the book?
The next winner will be picked same time next Friday!
Have a wonderful weekend.

Folake.

Are you eagerly awaiting Valentine's day or dreading it?

2010-02-11T13:41:00.003-05:00

Valentine's day! Ahhhhh. That day in the year set aside for celebrating love in a special way. Not like we shouldn't celebrate love all year round though...lol.

I have heard several reasons why people dread it. Some people do not have a partner, be it a boyrfriend (or girlfriend) or spouse. Some have a spouse and are not in a good place and feel pressured into making it a lovely day even though they feel nothing like it! Some are just broke (valid reason!) and like Christmas, want the day to just go by fast.

On the other hand, some people have new love in their lives and cannot wait to see what the day will bring: flowers, candy, presents of all sorts...Some people are in a very good place in their marriage or relationship and truly eagerly await that day. Some people have trips planned to beautiful places...The list goes on.
While I cannot change whatever your situation is, I can maybe change how you view Valentine's day, if you are not feeling good about it right about now.

When I was in University in Nigeria, Valentine's day was always a big deal. People would get life size hand made cards from their boyfriends. Nice cakes were also common, fragrances, lingerie, etc. I remember there was a year where I had no boyfriend or anyone in particular who was trying to impress me or catch my attention. I believe it was one of those times when we had a long strike by the lecturers in the universities in Nigeria (Professors) and those of us who lived on the campus because our parents worked there were basically at home for an extended period. I got together with a few of my childhood friends in the same boat and we ordered ourselves a big cake, gave one another presents, and got together in one of our houses for a fun day. Honestly, that was one of the most memorable Valentine days ever for me. Ironic but true. That just goes to show we can make it anything we want it to be and it does not have to be colored by our circumstances which may not be perfect for our so called perception of Valentine's day. Don't let your happiness depend on someone else. Go ahead and make yourself happy. If there is something that you want that nobody is going to buy for you, go ahead and buy it for you! If you're broke, plan to spend your day with people who love and care about you and vice versa.

Please enjoy your weekend and have a fabulous Valentine's regardless of your immediate situation, because you can.

Love you all. Peace!

Folake.

Winner of Free Book Giveaway will be picked tomorrow...

2010-02-11T10:41:00.001-05:00

The first winner of the Book Giveaway will be announced tomorrow, Friday February 12th!
There is an ongoing free giveaway of a signed copy of The Only Way is Up every Friday in February to honor Black History Month. The winner will be picked based on contributions to discussions on this blog. Number of comments as well as level of involvement of contributions will be considered. A winner will be announced every Friday this month starting February 12th. This is open to US residents.
Have a blessed weekend and enjoy Valentine's day y'all!

Marriage; a State of Perfect Bliss?

2010-02-09T22:39:00.002-05:00

Is marriage really this state of perfect bliss between a man and a woman or is it just a figment of our imagination; a fallacy? I look around and I see real people living real lives with real problems. Many a time, it looks nothing like the Barbara Cartland novels I used to read back in the day. Do I hear someone ask, "Who's that?" Lol. Well, she used to write a lot of romance novels back in the day and I grew up on it; same as Mills and Boons and all the rest of them for those of us who grew up either in the UK or countries colonized by them. (If you grew up in America, don't even try to find out who Barbara Cartland is or what the Mills and Boons series stands for!)
I digress. Many years ago, a happily married man told me on his 16th anniversary (he had been with his wife 20 years but married for 16), "Marriage is the ability to tolerate eachother." Now, that didn't sound very romantic, did it? No. But it was true. And I have never forgotten that advice, because that's really what it was.
Marriage is not a bed of roses. What you experience in marriage is very different from what happens while dating. A lot of times, it's the ability to focus on the good in a person and minimize the ugly so to speak that keeps a marriage going strong. If you go into marriage expecting everything to stay the same as the dating days when you had no kids possibly and life had not really started to happen in it's true sense, you will be in for a rude shock.
I have not been married too many years, but I am an excellent observer. And I strongly feel that a lot of divorces (not all obviously) are based on unreal expectations of marriage and of the next person and possibly expecting them to be our "everything," an unrealistic burden placed on another human being. What do you think? Please leave a comment. Educate us on your experiences; personal or otherwise...Thank you.

A slightly different form of this article was published on Ezinearticles.

5 stars from Midwest Book Review!

2010-02-08T22:37:00.001-05:00

I was just perusing the internet as usual this fine Monday evening while watching CSI Miami on TV with my hubby. I went to my amazon.com page and realized I had one more review. "Maybe one of my friends finally remembered to leave a review," I thought. The lack of reviews for my book was so glaring that 2 weeks ago I started to send out text messages to remind my friends to leave a review on amazon.com and not just tell me what they thought of the book. Then I clicked on the reviews link to see who it was and what they had said. To my amazement, it was a review from Midwest Book Review giving me 5 stars. It was short, on point and clearly described my book. Needless to say I am a happy camper. My first professional review has made my night. Please click here to view this review. I am thankful to God even as I await more of his blessings. Wow! What an honor....

Would you be part of a Reality TV Show?

2010-02-07T08:56:00.000-05:00

Reality TV shows have become very popular and frankly speaking quite entertaining and very interesting. We have The Real housewives of Atlanta, Real Housewives of Orange County, Real Housewives of New York and the Real Housewives of New Jersey. There's Ron's House and there's Daddy's Little Girls. There's Tiny and Toya. We have The Hills. There's even Frankie and Neffie. There was Jon & Kate Plus Eight! There's Supernanny. Name it, you have it. Everybody is represented. There is something for everyone to watch. Though many of us 'regular folk' like to watch some of these, some of us may not totally agree with the concept of it or necessarily be a part of one if given the opportunity. Some people would do it for the money. Some people would love to be on TV and frankly speaking, it may have it's perks. But some feel like you are 'pimping' yourself or your family if you put yourself out there like that. What do you think?

Book Signings...

2010-02-07T08:36:00.002-05:00

Please check out these links for details of Book Signings and their success. I am thankful to God for these and to you all for your support.
Click here for Borders @ East Cobb
Click here for Borders @ Stonecrest
Enjoy your week.

Folake.

Ain't nothing going on but the rent...

2010-02-05T19:32:00.001-05:00

...you gotta have a J.O.B. if you wanna be with me! So ladies, how do we choose our men nowadays? Is it about how he looks? Is it about an initial chemistry when you meet him? Is it how tall he is (at least 5 inches taller than you to make up for your 3 to 4 inch heels!) or is it how handsome he is? Are you very much into the complexion of his skin? (Classic tall, dark and handsome!) Is it all about the Benjamins; how much money he makes, what vehicle he drives, what part of town he lives in? Is it about potential; what he does not have yet but you believe he is able to have in the future? Is it about how he treats you and the women in his life? Is it about how much fun you have together and how many parties you can hit on a Friday night? Is it about what department in church he serves in or his relationship with God? Or do we have no criteria at all and we just go with the flow or what feels good for the moment? Please discuss...

Free Book Giveaway!

2010-02-05T11:21:00.001-05:00

There will be a free giveaway of a copy of The Only Way is Up every Friday in February to honor Black History Month. This is open to US residents. The winner will be picked based on contributions to discussions on this blog. Number of comments as well as level of involvement of contributions will be considered. A winner will be announced every Friday this month starting February 12th. Let's go people...

Can a woman raise a boy to be a man? What is the role of a father in a young girl's life?

2010-02-04T23:08:00.000-05:00

This is a question that comes up almost on a daily basis in this country because of the disproportionate number of single parent families in our society. I have heard so many different arguements. "I don't need a man to help raise my child," said a woman on the radio the other day. "I own my own business; I drive a mercedes...." But then we hear of cases of young boys becoming teenagers and it suddenly becomes very hard for their single mother to cope with them. Or it could be the young lady who has no self esteem and has no idea what to expect of a man because there was no example. Not to blame the mothers who sometimes did not make a choice to be a single mother or even the fathers who for one reason or another cannot be part of their child's life on a daily basis. Some people are unfortunate, some people are unwise and some people make bad choices. But the people who really suffer seem to be the children involved. And there is such a huge absence of fathers compared to absent mothers...I don't want to write too much. I'd prefer for this to be interractive. What is your take on this? Is it alright to just have kids out of wedlock and choose to be a single parent? Is it fair on a child to have one and not both parents? Can a woman raise a boy to be a man? Can a young girl have a balanced upbringing without her father?

Another Blog?

2010-02-04T19:54:00.001-05:00

Yes! Another blog. Welcome to the official blog for my debut self help and motivational book, The Only Way is Up: The Journey of an Immigrant. My aim is to touch on a lot of societal issues and address the decline of the intact family unit. My aim is to add my own 2 cents to the restoration of that which we have lost, with your help of course. Over time, I hope to take you through a journey of discovering the power that you have within by touching on the issues that are addressed in my book such as identity, self esteem , self worth, success, nutrition, health, weight, diet, relationships, global exposure, faith and so much more. Please click here to visit my book website and learn more about it.
Come along with me on this journey of self discovery...I promise to make it fun, stimulating and enlightening.

Folake Taylor, MD.